FORMER President Bill Clinton was seen at the ultra hip Lot 61 in Manhattan last week frolicking with aging effeminate personalities Rip Taylor and Charles Nelson Reilley. A source close to the camera hungry ex-prez says that Clinton plans to include the two gaudy performers in any incarnation of his proposed talk show, which he conceptualizes as a more "fucked up version of the View". Later during the evening, the bulbous nosed, cocksure Clinton was seen wearing Taylor’s trademark feather boa while throwing assorted deli meats on Reilley’s exposed rear-end….

At the premiere of his latest film "Hollywood Ending", nebbish filmmaker and lover of teenage Asian women, Woody Allen was recently spotted carrying a sack of tangerines at LA’s renowned Mann Chinese Theater. Allen, along with his little Asian friend Soon-Yi Prem, was eating one of the tangerines while posing for pictures. When asked about the tangerines by one reporter, Allen responded "Eat me" and began a messy make out session with gossip columnist Liz Smith who was standing close by…

In an attempt to regain his alpha-male stature, almost-outed Met’s catcher Mike Piazza has been seen at numerous Manhattan hot-spots of late, promulgating his heterosexuality with a harem of women, which according to one source, "he will no longer be seen without". Although, another source says that Piazza recently was seen at Spa, doing the "electric-slide" with Rupert Everret. Later that evening, the fu-manchued Met was seen doing body shots with Alan Cumming over who would buy brunch the following morning. When I questioned Mr. Piazza about his inconsistent and bizarre behavior and the terrible gay accusations, he tore off all of my clothes and proceeded to fellate me.

Somebody who closely resembled Spidey-hunk Tobey Maguire, was recently spotted ironing what appeared to be some sort of clothes garment late last Saturday night at a spacious 2,500-feet loft in downtown SoHo. Nobody could confirm if it was the web-slinging stud, but many did say they’d heard Maguire was recently seen in Manhattan in the past year. Maguire’s publicist did not return calls to either confirm nor deny the incident.

Fucking hot Denise Richards is marrying Charlie Sheen. There is no God.

That Dude Who Played "Skippy" on Famliy Ties was drunk and ornery last Saturday, causing a ruckus, breaking shit at some foo-foo benefit at a hotel built by Ian Schrager in either New York or L.A. when security restrained the man and started giving him the business in front of the horrified, hoity-toity guests. Well, those freeloading, trust-fund cock-suckers deserved the trauma in my opinion. Good for you, Skippy.

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen were recently spotted outside uber-icey-posh celebrity hangout Joe’s Pub begging the bouncers to ignore their underagedmess and let them in because they’d heard Tobey Maguire may have ironed his shirt near by. "He’s just the hot guy right now and I’d love to be anywhere close to him," one of them said. The other one stared off longingly into the Manahattan night sky, perhaps being struck by a spiritual epiphany. The Olsens’ publicist could neither confirm nor deny any revelations.