Shine On, Appalachia

In an attempt to bring an economic boost to Appalachia, West Virginia lawyer Payton D. Fireman has begun to legally brew and sell the region's legendary moonshine, aiming to show the world that "a moonshine-and-tonic turns out to be not the very worst thing ever created."

Social economists predict the following ripple effects of a prosperous moonshine industry:

1. The Moon becomes the most common school mascot, the sweetest pet-name, and the biggest compliment to be
paid by high-school boys ever.

2. Citizen distillers fight off a Martha Stewart corporate takeover.

3. Former Washington, D.C. mayor Marion Barry moves to town.

4. New money builds new indoor/outdoor heated pools.

5. Number of drownings increases.

6. Jack Daniels becomes the #2 beverage of choice to enjoy with breakfast.

7. The wild Appalachian mountain lion becomes the nation's new Tony the Tiger.

8. U.S. Supreme Court rules 7-2 in favor of legalization of marriage and consummation of such between anyone, anytime, anywhere, Pretty Lady.

9. Ol' moonshiners ornery.

10. Zima rides coattails into the mainstream.

11. President Bush, feeling confident from his extensive bar-brawl experience, levies heavy taxes to provoke another Whiskey Rebellion.

12. High-school staple "James Joyce's Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man" replaced by "Good Night, Moon."

13. Got Hooch?

- By Alix Light

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