In this issue:

My Wife's Headlines:

• My wife is a fine choir singer

• No, she doesn't know why she was kicked out of the choir

• It was not because she has a poor singing voice

• Her voice is fine. I never once said that in bed she sometimes sounds like I'm raping a cat.

• Not that I've ever raped my cat.

• Certainly not last week.

Son Jay's Headlines:

• Jay is not gay

• I have not found pictures of him performing anal sex on his friends.

• Those friends were not camp counselors

• At least they weren't pictures of his camp students.

• At least I don't think they were

Daughter Martha's Headlines:

• My daughter is not selling her eggs on eBay.

• That's all I'm not saying about that particular situation

My headlines:

• Everything is fine

• Nothing at all new to report

• Things are good around here

• I don't know why everyone always seems so over-concerned about me

• I don't need to see a doctor

• I am not working too hard

• I don't need to tell my boss to lighten my hours or stop being so hard on me

• I happen to think it's a fine job

• My blood pressure is fine

• Yes, so is my cholesterol

• No, I don't need to have my colon examined again

• I certainly did not enjoy it the last time

• I've only had three done in the last year because my doctor -- who just happens to be the U.S. Surgeon General -- recommended I get that many

• I am not a repressed, closeted homosexual

• I am not paying the U.S. Surgeon General to examine my colon with his tongue

• Or my prostate

• A good "rim job" would not calm me down

• Neither would a "blumpkin."

• Neither would both at the same time

 

This Newsletter is Over