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This past weekend Palestinian Chairman Yasser Arafat recently released
a statement condemning terrorism, succubming to a week of pressure and
severe beatings by U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell. It has been rumored
that Arafat's first draft of his statement did not meet editor Powell's
lofty expectations, and was thrown in copywriter Arafat's wastebasket.
Fortunately LostBrain's staff of investigators, Local 232 Gaza Strip Garbage
and Utilities, found that draft, and will now it publish for the world:
"My people,
Last week, I spent several horrifying days and nights locked alone within
a darkened broom closet, with nothing inside but a cell phone, an Olin
Mills photographer, news crews from CNN and MSNBC, a stack of playboys
and a gigantic jar of Vaseline. It was, to be honest, absolute torture
to clean up afterward.
And while I was locked inside, legions of Israeli tanks, soldiers, warships
and fire breathing dragons were on the outside, making repeated attempts
to break the lock to the closet door in hopes of killing me, and with
that, the hopes and dreams of our people. Fortunately, thanks to the mercy
and love of Allah, a chair was carefully propped underneath the doorknob
of the door, and I did not become a martyr.
Though I curse Allah for not allowing me a box of Depends inside that
closet, I praise him for that life saving chair, my people, because in
that darkened broom closet, as I paged through issue after issue of playboy,
I had a revelation. Actually, it was more of an orgasm at first, but it
eventually turned into a revelation--one so big that I had to use half
a box of Kleenex to clean up. But one so important, that I feel I must
share it with all of you. To start:
- During those frightful days and nights as my life was threatened and
Olin Mills spent hours taking numerous portraits of Wolf Blitzer and
I, I began thinking about the past twenty years of misery and suffering
this war has brought our people. We have dangled on the precipice of
ruin. Thousands of your brothers and sisters have died. We have seen
a cultural reverse and a rise of poverty and pestilence that Palestinians
may never recover from, and we seem to be losing the battle with Israel.
Just last week, a new Israeli McDonalds opened up on the West Bank,
in direct competition with the Palestian Church's Chicken across the
street. I fear it is only a matter of time that the Church's Chicken
goes into bankruptcy, and plunges our people with it.
- But before you go out and blow up the McDonalds, I tell you this:
we must first attempt to seek peace with the the restaurant, as well
as the Israeli government that put it there in the first place, and
supplied them a refridgerator three times the size of the Church's Chicken.
Though I have tried negotiating with Israeli leaders for several years
now, repeated afternoon tea at Camp David has only led to more war and
more death, and very bad tea. Attempts to attain peace by obtaining
nuclear weapons have also failed on numerous occasions. We found that
we lacked the funds to buy decent grade bombs from willing countries.
Russia, for example, was willing to settle for a box of 1970s baseball
cards and half a bottle of Vodka that I found in my attic in exchange
for a gallon of plutonium, but later backed off when they discovered
that the cards were not in near mint condition and the whiskey was paint
thinner.
- So in the absence of peace, I have noticed that in the past few weeks
many Palestinians, including women and children, have taken up what
at first blush seems like what I can only call an exciting new artistic
trend: suicide bombing. These people, outraged that they are losing
a piece of property the size of half of Des Moines, have taken to this
bombing as an poetic expression of their anger.
- While the work they have created is so beautiful and daring that it
has been critically acclaimed by both Art World and Vanity
Fair magazines, I must say this hear and now, with Allah and Colin
Powell holding guns to my head: This form of art must stop.
- I know what you're thinking: Palestinians have a right to artistically
express themselves artistically as they see fit, as promised to them
in the Koran. I understand your anger: it makes me mad too. Makes me
want to go out and make my own artistic expression by bombing a jam-packed
Israeli school bus. But I won't, because I'm shackled to a chair.
- Nevertheless, I ask you to consider my rationale: if we continue
these artistic outbursts, soon there will be no artists left. And without
art, I ask you, what would Palestine be? That's right, we'd be America.
Not just America, but southern America, in the Georgia--Alabama region.
And do we really want to end up like them?
- In conclusion, I must ask you to find other ways of expressing yourself.
For example, whatever happened to using the airplane as your canvas,
and Christine Amanpour as your paintbrush? Think about all the artwork
that was created during the First World War with Mustard Gas, and yet
it's been forgotten. It's still toxic and easy to get your hands on.
In fact, I've got a few canisters in my living room right now, just
collection dust.
In short, be creative with your artwork, and our conflict with Israel
will finally reach its peaceful conclusion. We are so close to achieving
the peace with Israel that we have been so close to achieving for the
past twenty years.
Hugs and Kisses,
Arafat"
-Brandon Stahl
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