|
Begging for Change
My Fellow Americans,
In my right hand is a cellphone, in my left
hand is a big garbage bag with a dollar sign on it. If you
don't put $87 billion into this bag, I will tell the man
waiting on the other end of the cellphone to shoot your
beloved Olsen twins, currently being held in a secret Texas
ranch.
You have five minutes to comply.
Starting now.
Sincerely,
George W.
Americans,
Your five minutes are up. My bag is empty.
The Olsen twins lives are in your hands, but I'll assume,
just this once, that you didn't get the message and give
you a second chance.
So I'll repeat: $87 billion, this bag, five minutes, or
dead Olsen Twins.
I'll reset the five minutes.
I am dead serious: Pay me, or they will seriously be dead.
(It sounded a lot cooler when I wrote it out, but not so
cool when I say it. But the intent remains the same.) (Don't
argue semantics with me. That will not save the Olsen twins
lives. It will just make them deader.)
Sincerely,
George W.
Americans,
Could you please give me the money? If I have to take another
minute with the Olsen twins I'm going to shoot them.
Which I'll do, if I don't get $87 billion.
George
Americans,
The Olsen twins are getting hungry, so your tax dollars
went to feeding them chocolate cake. The bill now stands
at $87 billion plus $3.99.
Just thought you'd like to know of the changes.
You have two minutes left.
George
Americans,
That's just great, the Olsen twins just puked all over
my kitchen.
Fucking anorexics.
Shit. I'm not cleaning this shit up. You are.
Unless I get $87 billion.
George W.
Americans,
Listen, why didn’t you tell me you didn't care about
the Olsen Twins? Would have saved us a whole lot of time
if we were just open and honest with each other.
Probably wouldn't have had to kill the Olsen Twins, too.
You know, I can execute someone you do like. One phone
call and I'll get Bruce Springsteen.
Want. $87 billion. Five minutes.
No, no, four minutes. I've got to get serious.
George
Okay, so I'm told Bruce is unavailable. But I was able to
get Springsteen's funny looking bassist from the Sopranos.
He's dead unless this bag is filled with $87 billion.
George
Ah crap. The guy from the Sopranos just puked all over my
kitchen. I am not cleaning this up again.
George
Americans,
This guy just took a dump right on my living room floor.
Instead of the $87 billion, could you maybe help clean
this up? This is all your fault, if you think about it.
Americans,
I don't think its funny that a few of you filled my bag
with toilet paper.
George
Americans,
I know it was only three minutes, but I just went ahead
and shot the bassist. I got tired of waiting.
Listen: I'm getting kind of sleepy and really can't find
anyone else to abduct tonight. Maybe we can do this tomorrow?
Is there anyone that you wouldn't want me to kill?
George
Americans,
Besides Colin Powell.
George
|
