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To: President Bush
From: Karl Rove
RE: Performance Review
Mr. President,
First, I'd like to commend you. After watching former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill publicly air his complaints about you (complaints that I for one found disgusting and untrue), you didn't ignore them.
Instead, you acted, ordering me to go to the staff and anonymously get their assessment of your performance as president, asking them to be critical.
I must forewarn you: the below quotes are somewhat blunt. But you demanded honesty, and honesty is what we demanded from your staff.
I hope you find this to be useful (and as a note, my own assessments of your performance are included below):
"To be honest, he's improved the economy way too fast."
"I'm glad this is anonymous, because I just wish I could tell him he's too handsome. It distracts me from doing my job."
"He's done too good a job fighting terrorists: they're way too afraid to try anything now! It doesn't give me much to do."
"I think he loves our country maybe a little too much. Like yesterday, I saw him humping a flag."
"If I might be sold bold: He smiles a bit too much. And sometimes, he just makes me laugh a little too loud."
"He's just the living end!"
"He's so smart that he makes me feel dumb!"
"No, I'm serious: I mean, there he was, straddling a flag in my office. I was really embarrassed. I said, 'Oh god, excuse me Mr. President!' and he said 'Not at all, Karl.' And then he just walked away."
"His handshake is too firm. I just want to tell him: lighten your grip, big fella! You're pumping those weights too hard!"
"In church, he sings so loud. But he's got a wonderful voice, and I know that's just because he wants to make sure God hears him."
"So, what do I do with the flag? I mean, is it something I want to keep around? Donate it to the Smithsonian? But here's the thing: After he left, I looked closely and there was a wet spot on it."
"When he made brownies for me and my family, he made too much. We could barely finish the plate, but they were so good that we did."
"I know he likes to make everyone in the room feel welcome, but sometimes I feel like he's tries too hard to do that, you know?"
"I didn't know what that wet spot was. I wasn't going to touch it. Was it urine? Something else? And was this the first time he's done this? Is he still doing it?"
"He's just too much fun to be around, you know?"
"When he gave me blood, he didn't ask for anything in return. I mean, is the guy for real?"
"The worst thing I that I don't even know how to talk to him about it. Our meetings are so awkward now. Like we barely make eye contact anymore and he just wants to rush me in and out. A friend of mine suggested writing a note to him. Maybe that's the best way to go. But I hate being critical of him, so I have to sugarcoat somehow."
"Sometimes when we play poker, he lets me win. But I know he's just trying to give me money to help pay for my medical bills."
"He's an angel. How do I criticize an angel?"
Mr. President, if you wish to speak with me about any of the above, please feel free to stop by my office at anytime.
Yours,
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