Metaphor Theater

Have all of these months spent arguing with the U.N. over a war with Iraq seemed like we've been talking about something else?

US: Come on, let's just do it. We've been planning this for months and I think we're ready to go all the way.

UN: But, I'm so worried. What if something goes wrong?

US: What could go wrong? I've got protection. And we love each other, and that's all that matters, right?

UN: I love you, too. But it just seems like we're rushing into this.

US: Rushing? Rushing? We've been talking about it for almost a year now. We've already got troops down there ready to go. My friend, Britain, thinks its a good idea.

UN: I don't care what Britain thinks. He's such a pompous asshole.

US: He's okay. You'd like him if you just got to know him... or you'd at least like his music. Anyway, we've talked enough. It's time for some action. Let's just get it over with.

UN: Action? Get it over with? You say it like this means nothing to you. Like once you're done with me you'll move on to doing someone else.

US: No, no, that's not it all! I just want my bombs to express my love for you.

UN: Will you still love me when it's over?

US: Sure. Of course I will. I'll call you the next day and everything.

UN: You won't think I'm a slut when its over and want to do it all the time after this, will you?

US: Of course not! Just once a week or so. Wait a sec, all of this hesitation isn't because you're afraid of my, um, huge military equipment, are you?

UN: No, I'm afraid you don't know how to use it

US: Hey, that hurts. I knew how to use it with Panama, didn't I?

UN: What about Kosovo? In Vietnam?

US: That was different, I was drunk.

UN: Vietnam?

US: I was stoned.

UN: Will you be gentle?

US: I can try. There's a first time for everything.

UN: But everyone keeps saying I can do better than you.

US: Who says that?

UN: France, Germany.

US: What do they know? When was the last time they've done it?

UN: Well, okay. But let's fool around a bit before, okay?

US: *SIGHS* Alright. Whatever you want. So long as you promise to go through with it this time.

Prologue:

UN: Was that okay?

US: Oh yeah. It sure beats masturbation.

by Brandon Stahl