Geraldo Reports, You Decide. Then You Empty a Bottle of Scotch, Cry, Then Stare at a Loaded Gun for Three Hours, Wondering Where Your Twenties Went...

Saying that he wants to "kick in (Osama's) head, bring it home and bronze it," Geraldo Rivera recently took a pay cut to jump from a CNBC news desk to report on the war against terrorism in Afghanistan for Fox News Channel. Citing his "31-inch waist, 42-inch chest" (thankfully, he left out his penis size) he said that there's nary a reporter alive that "can outdistance him."

"I'm feeling more patriotic than at any time in my life. Itching for justice, or maybe just revenge."

In this spirit of journalistic patriotism, LostBrain.com will provide exclusive daily transcripts of his reports back to Fox News.

Brit Hume goes live to Geraldo, on his first day of assignment in Afghanistan...

Geraldo: Geraldo Rivera reporting live from a cave in Afghanistan.

Brit: Which cave?

Geraldo: I do not know. The producers at Fox News were too cowardly to drop me into bin Laden's cave, so I'm going to scour each and every one until I find the coward, Osama bin Laden. And when that happens, Brit, I will eat him alive. Literally. Because I've been here for days, and I haven't had so much as a fucking piece of bat shit to eat.

Brit: Actually, Geraldo, this is your first day in Afghanistan...

Geraldo: And speaking of bats, Brit, I have been attacked by them. Thousands of them, in fact, called on by Osama to do his evil and dastardly bidding. They have eaten my clothes away, and as I sit here nude and bloodied, I've begun to worry that they'll want to start eating my eyes.

Brit: Oh, god. You're naked. You've got to put clothes on.

Geraldo: I musn't. That would be giving into the terrorists. And I must persevere, because I know that my hunt makes Osama quake with fear, and I know that he will taste very, very good.

Brit: But Geraldo, it's our understanding that there are no bats in Afghanistan.

Geraldo: Try telling that to the bats that have eaten my soul, Brit.

Brit: At any rate, do you think Osama is in the cave you're in?

Geraldo: At this point, I do not know, as I have yet to finish blowing it up. If he's not, then tomorrow I'll enter my second cave, But if he's in this cave, cave #2, or even cave #3, I will certainly let the world know. Reporting live from Afghanistan, I'm Geraldo Rivera. Back to you, Brit.

Brit: You are watching Fox News.

Day Two

-Brandon Stahl