Geraldo Gets Spun

Saying that he wants to "kick in (Osama's) head, bring it home and bronze it," Geraldo Rivera recently took a pay cut to jump from a CNBC news desk to report on the war against terrorism in Afghanistan for Fox News Channel. Citing his "31-inch waist, 42-inch chest" (thankfully, he left out his penis size) he said that there's nary a reporter alive that "can outdistance him."

"I'm feeling more patriotic than at any time in my life. Itching for justice, or maybe just revenge."

In this spirit of journalistic patriotism, LostBrain.com will provide exclusive daily transcripts of his reports back to Fox News.

Day Two

Geraldo: Geraldo Rivera reporting live from the inside of a Taliban torture chamber. I have muscles like missiles and abs so hard that you could write your grocery list on them, but I currently can't put my strength to usek because I'm tied up, anticipating a torture beyond reason.

Bill O'Reilly: Geraldo, any idea what they're going to do to you?

Rivera: Yes, actually, my sources tell me that they plan on shoving a pair of scissors up my anus.

O'Reilly: Geraldo, that's awful. Is there any way out?

Rivera: Unfortunately not. Anticipating my strength, they've used kryptonite to weaken my powers.

O'Reilly: Geraldo, it was my understanding that the Taliban weren't taking journalists hostage. Why did they take you?

Rivera: Funny story, Bill. Apparently, going around Afghanistan and yelling out, 'Where is that bitch bin Laden, I want to make fondue out of his insides' makes them think that you're actually not a journalist, but a roided freedom fighter. Yelling out, "where is all the Afghan poontang?" just makes it even worse.

O'Reilly: Excuse me, Geraldo, but if may ask the most important question: do they know who I am?

Rivera: Actually, yes, as they were ripping off my fingernails, they said, "We wish this was O'Reilly and not a guy that looks like Snidely Whiplash."

O'Reilly: Oh, that's great! Wow! Gosh, you work so hard and then one day it all pays off for this poor, Irish, working class man of the people.

Rivera: Absolutely Bill. *Sounds of scissors going up* OH GOD! OH GOD! I'VE NEVER EXPERIENCED PAIN LIKE THIS. NOT EVEN CHILDBIRTH.

O'Reilly: So Geraldo, getting back to me for a second, what else have they said about me?

Rivera: Oh the pain! Take it out! Take it out! *Takes them out* OH GOD! Put them back in! Back in!

O'Reilly: Geraldo, quit dodging the questions. You're on the factor. This is a no-spin zone.

Rivera: I'm not dodging anything, Bill. You're just using your forum as a bully pulpit to advance your neo-conservative beliefs. *Scissors Twist* OH GOD. Bill, send help. Please.

O'Reilly: Not until you answer my questions, Mr. Senator.

Rivera: Bill I'm not a senator, so I don't think I can answer your questions.

O'Reilly: So you're saying that you are guilty.

Rivera: Of What?

O'Reilly: Of dodging the questions on a spin free zone! Thank you, Mr. Senator, that's all the time we have for you today, and good luck in your campaign.

O'Reilly: We've got to go to commercial, but when we come back we'll talk more about Bill Clinton, and how he was the person piloting both airplanes that slammed into the Trade Towers.

*Sounds of Rivera crying as Fox News goes to commercial*

You are watching Fox News.

Day Three

-Brandon Stahl