Twenty Questions

Saying that he wants to "kick in (Osama's) head, bring it home and bronze it," Geraldo Rivera recently took a pay cut to jump from a CNBC news desk to report on the war against terrorism in Afghanistan for Fox News Channel. Citing his "31-inch waist, 42-inch chest" (thankfully, he left out his penis size) he said that there's nary a reporter alive that "can outdistance him."

"I'm feeling more patriotic than at any time in my life. Itching for justice, or maybe just revenge."

In this spirit of journalistic patriotism, LostBrain.com will provide exclusive daily transcripts of his reports back to Fox News.

Geraldo: Geraldo Rivera here, reporting live from the inside of my mind. America, I'm here to tell you that after I've fought my way to the frontlines, killing unknown Taliban soldiers and laying waste to entire cities with my bare hands, I will be the first non-Al Jazeera journalist to reach Osama bin Laden. But before I kill Osama, I'm contractually obligated to interview him. Here are the questions I've been waiting to ask this madman:

1. Have you seen my waist? It's 31 inches. Sexy, no?
   
   
2. My chest, too. That's 42. As in inches, you metric son of a bitch.
   
   
3. I've bench pressed a Buffalo. How does that make you feel?
   
   
4. I bet you want to take a peek at my ass. Well forget it, Russkie
   
   
5. What do you want to say, right here, right now to the billions of people around the world, demanding to see me on the cover of Muscle magazine?
   
   
6. You miserable maggot, have you felt my biceps?
   
   
7. Listen, you scum sucking piece of shit, you vile homicidal maniac, you wouldn't happen to know the cure to dysentery, would you? Cause no one told me that this country had that.
   
   
8. O.J.: Innocent or guilty?
   
   
9. I've said before that I'd "kick your head in, bring it home and bronze it". But see, I'm not sure about the logistics of bronzing a human head, though. You wouldn't happen to know how to do that, would you?
   
   
10. Gary Condit: Innocent or guilty?
    
    
11. Where's Chandra? You took her, didn't you? I bet you turned her into your little slave. She was mine!
    
    
12. You wouldn't happen to have a vault anywhere that I could open up, do you? 'Cause you wouldn't believe the ratings you could get on that.
    
    
13. I've had Barbara Walters. Yeah, I three-wayed with her and Hugh Downs. Jealous?
    
    
14. Charles Grodin's a total pussy, isn't he? Come on, be honest.
    
    
15. The American people have demanded for years that you Anthrax me. What has taken you so long?
    
    
16. Now that your assets and funds have been frozen, do you mind giving some of that sweet candy to me? Come on, you can't use it anymore, you greedy bloodsucking war monger.
    
    
17. True or false: Sometimes I'm forced to cry myself to sleep at night.
    
    
18. Is it me or did 20/20 just suck after I left?
    
    
19. Everytime I look at you I'm just paralyzed with rage. Or is the massive amounts of snake venom I've accrued tracking you down?
    
    
20. You think when this war is over, CNBC will have me back?

You are watching Fox News.

Day Four

-Brandon Stahl