General Tommy Franks: "We don't know for sure if Bin Laden was checking baggage at Dulles, but we have confirmed that he was checking out the blonde behind the Avis-Rent a Car Desk."

Recently, LostBrain went to a press conference with Army Gen. Tommy R. Franks, the man in charge of the U.S.'s operation to find Bin Laden. We were expecting to hear about the location of the world's most wanted man. Instead, a stand-up routine broke out...

"Ladies and gentleman, I regret to inform you that during our attacks on Tora Bora, we let Osama Bin Laden get away. Rather than send in military troops to drive him out of his cave, we made the mistake of sending in Washington D.C. airport workers.

But hey, you can't blame us--they had I.D.s claiming that they were Marines! I admit it, we were fooled. Though we should have been suspicious when one of them said he was Colonel Sanders...

Regardless, overall they did a good job. Sure, they let Bin Laden get away, but the airport workers did their jobs and were able to confiscate two hundreds pairs of razor blades, a few pairs of tweezers, 50 plastic scissors, and the band ABBA--real weapons of mass destruction.

I mean, come on, how are you supposed to catch Bin Laden? This guy is so fast he's like speedy Rodriguez out there in Tora Bora, you know? Last we heard he ran so fast out of those caves that he won the Boston Marathon.

Seriously, though, we do have a beat on his whereabouts. Apparently he's now working as a baggage screener at a Dulles airport.

It's true. And, unfortunately, he had a lot of access to very secure areas of the airports--and security never stopped him. Actually, that's not quite true--they did ask to see his credentials once. Unfortunately, they found themselves profusely apologizing to Mayor McCheese.

But seriously, had we known that it was going to be so hard to catch the guy, we would have blamed the 9/11 attacks on someone that doesn't move around so much, like Marlon Brando. Seriously, that guy is so stationary that the only thing that moves him is a forklift attached to an ice cream truck. I mean, it's now coming out that Brando had three children with his maid, but of course he's disputing that in court. The maid says she has the evidence, though: the transcripts from the Richter scale on the nights of the conceptions.

But getting back to Bin Laden, don't worry, I'm sure that in due time we'll find him. I mean, if OJ found his killer we're going to find ours, right?

Whoa, hey, tough crowd! Who invited the FDNY, huh? Shouldn't you guys be getting drunk at a tribute concert or something? I think I see a flag over there that need to be raised!

But like I said, we've already got a number of plans in the works to catch the guy. One idea is yelling out Marco, waiting for him to yell out Pollo. But if that doesn't work, we do have a backup plan: "Fish out of water!" If he's outside of the swimming pool area, then we've nabbed him.

And, here's a message to you Mr. Bin Laden: having one foot in the water is against the rules.

Another plan, and this is can't miss: folks, just in case Bin Laden wants to surface to do an interview or get married, we've staked out Larry King. 'Tora Bora Hello!'

Thankfully, we have had several leads and tips. We got a call one night that he was giving a concert in Minneapolis, but we just ended up arresting ZZ Top. Unfortunately, it took us a five hour interrogation to find that out. We also found out that the band had toast and scrambled eggs for dinner that previous night.

Hey, why the long faces, huh? I've gotten better laughs down at Camp X-Ray!

But chear up, you know, because if we don't find Bin Laden, then big deal, right? It's not like he could be responsible for the end of the world or something....

Folks, thanks so much for being a great audience. I'll be appearing at the Funny Bone in Des Moines, Iowa on Tuesday. Have a great night!"

-Brandon Stahl