The following terms must be strictly observed under this agreement between Israel and Palestine:

• Both Israel and Palestine agree to make the war more entertaining for American audiences and much easier to understand.

• Instead of battling over the Holy Land, the two parties will now bicker over who will be the father to Rachel's baby.

• Both sides agree to join forces hating the French.

• The incriminating pictures of Arafat sucking on Colin Powell's ear will be destroyed. The picture of Sharon sucking Bush's dick will be framed and placed in a sacred Jerusalem temple.

• Sharon will pull occupying forces out of territories illegally invaded by the Israeli government after the 1979 Egyptian peace treaty, thereby returning the Palestinians some of their land. Arafat will return the travel-sized hand lotion and shoe shine kit he stole from the Wye River Conference Center in 1998.

• Palestinian rebels will restore "Comedy Central" and "The Sci-Fi Channel" to Israeli Cable Television. Palestinians will still get "The Spice Channel" for free, but won't be allowed to watch it under penalty of death.

• Jerusalem's holy sites will be split evenly between the Israelis and Palestinians. Israelis are not allowed to look longingly at the new Palestinian holy sites. Palestinians are not allowed to look longingly at a crowded Israeli school bus.

• Israelis are to quit blasting The Knacks' "My Sharona" from boomboxes targeted at Arafat's stronghold, while the Palestinians will stop chanting "Ramallah Ma Ding Dong" very loudly before exploding.

• The Gaza Strip will be converted into the gigantic "Gaza Strip Mall." Palestinians will only be allowed to shop on the first and second floors, while Israelis claim the third and fourth floors , as well the secret fifth-floor Hooters. TGI Friday's will serve as a neutral zone. Palestinians will receive the special 15% discount from Wilson Sporting Goods, while Israelis will receive the "Buy One, Get One Free" coupon at Rock Around the Socks.

• Arafat agrees to be on top, but must sleep on the wet spot.

• Any attempts to assassinate Prime Minister Sharon must be cleared with Arafat first.

• Suicide bombing will only be allowed in specially marked bombing zones. Anyone caught suicide bombing in
unmarked zones will be summarily executed.

• Bombing zones will move to the other side of the street on Tuesdays and Thursdays for street sweeping.

• Fox News will immediately assign Geraldo Rivera to report 24 hours from a specially marked bombing zone.

• Sharon agrees to score Arafat two tickets to the premier of Ê"Episode II: Attack of the Clones," if Arafat agrees to stop giving out Sharon's home address to Jehovah's Witnesses.

• If the two parties cannot agree as to who will occupy an area of land, it will be auctioned off to the Japanese. If the Japanese have no interest in the land, then it will be decided over a spirited late-night game of Stratego. Sharon will bring the snacks; Arafat the beverages.

• Arafat has finally agreed to shave and shower. In efforts to become more intimate with Arafat, Sharon will undertake these grooming tasks, agreeing to take extra care with Arafat's bikini zone.

• Palestinian children who have been trained to hate and murder Israelis will be enrolled at the University of Miami, and will attend football camp in the summer.

• When Whoopi Goldberg resigns from America's favorite game show later this year, Sharon and Arafat will take turns sitting in the center square.

• Palestinian gunmen will immediately evacuate Bethlehem's Church of the Nativity, to make way for a Starbucks.

• In two months Arafat will step down as leader of the PLO and will be replaced by infamous Jew hater Eminem. While Eminem is on tour, Louis Farrakhan will become interim Jew-hater.

• Palestinians will agree to correctly pronounce Sharon's name as "Share-OWN" and not the feminine "Share-UN." However, they will still be allowed to call him a big fat pussy.

• The 28 virgins promised to martyrs once they have reached heaven will be replaced with the cast of "The View."

• The Wailing Wall will be presented with a box of Kleenex and finally seek some professional help.

* If these terms are not met and the treaty is broken, the factions agree to try again in 2,000 years.