What You Know About West Nile Virus is All Wrong!

Myth: West Nile Virus symptoms will only show up in one out of every 10,000 people bitten by an infected mosquito
Truth: You are carrying West Nile Virus right now, right at this very moment.

Myth: It is rare for people bitten by an infected mosquito to develop severe and sometimes fatal illness known as West Nile Encephalitis (an inflammation of the brain).
Truth: Your brain is currently inflamed, and only getting… flamier. The flames will continue to spread and will eventually overtake all of Arizona.

When it comes to Mosquitoes and Viruses, you don't know shit.

Myth: If you're under the age of 75, you won't die from West Nile Virus.
Truth: Younger, healthier people will still die, albeit slower, more excruciating and painfuld deaths, while costing their surviving family millions in health insurance bills.

Myth: Dead birds in your area mean that West Nile Virus is circulating between the birds and the mosquitoes.
Truth: It's been proven that birds do not die from age, disease, accident, injury or hunting. Thus, dead birds in your area can ONLY mean that West Nile Virus has infected your city.

Myth: Mosquitoes carrying West Nile Virus look like any other mosquito. There is no way to tell them apart from non-carriers.
Truth: To determine if the mosquito that's bitten you is a carrier, first catch the bug, but be careful not to kill it. Warning: DO NOT DETACH ITS WINGS. Now, take the bug to the nearest national research laboratory in Atlanta. Then, using a very specialized syringe available only in Oregon (you'll have to make a special order), extract the blood the mosquito took from your body, but be careful not to drink it. The fluid should be located in the Mesotonium area, very near the Posterior Pronatal Bristles. Once the fluid is extracted, show it to the person standing nearest you. Ask, "Does this look like West Nile Virus to you?" If that person says yes, congratulations! Your mosquito is a certified carrier! How proud you must be. Light up a cigar!

Myth: Bite marks left by infected mosquitoes look the same as uninfected mosquitoes.
Truth: Well, true. Other than the "you've been bitten by a West Nile Virus carrying mosquito" card that the bug will leave behind.

Myth: Human illness from West Nile virus is rare, even in areas where the virus has been reported. The chance that any one person is going to become ill from a mosquito bite is low.
Truth: If you live in area that has been infested with mosquitoes, you will no doubt contract West Nile Virus. Your only chance of making it out alive is to move to the West Nile area of Africa, the only area on the planet where the disease has been eradicated.

Myth: Most people who become infected with West Nile virus will have either have no symptoms or only mild ones.
Truth: Early symptoms from West Nile Virus will be quite obvious, and include: general listlessness; laziness; desire to want to eat out rather than cook; constant worrying over money; harboring thoughts about quitting your job to go to a better, higher-paying one with a better boss and more flextime; a hatred of doing taxes and bills; a desire to watch television; an urge to have sex with attractive people; the ability to drive perfectly while fearing that everyone else on the road is out to get you killed; and the belief that everyone is a worthless piece of shit, except you.

Myth: There is no evidence to suggest that West Nile virus can be spread from person to person or from animal to person.
Truth: The Virus works much like the deadly "Gnap" plague that infected and killed thousands of Smurfs in the late 70s. Thus, anytime an animal or person carrying West Nile Virus bites you, your skin will turn purple, you'll hop around uncontrollably and you'll have an insatiable desire to hump Smuffette.

Myth: Applying insect repellent containing DEET when you're outdoors to will protect you from mosquito bites.
Truth: Actually, this is true, especially for children. Parents: be sure to apply several layers of DEET to your children's skin and have them drink at least half a cup a day of the liquid to prevent mosquito attacks. Your child's vomit means its working!

Myth: There is no known cure for West Nile Virus.
Truth: I don’t know, killing yourself might do it. And there are tons of ways to do that. Or, just take some Advil. Shit, it's just West Nile Virus. You're only afraid of it because it has an "African" sounding name. If it were something white and pedestrian like "Fredricksburg Disease" or "Honkey Cough" your ass wouldn't get off the chair to go get some Sudafed for it. Oh, but because it's from "Africa", you have to throw a freaking tizzy. "Honey! Get the kids in the bomb shelter! West Nile Virus is coming!" Whoa shit! Freaking pathetic white people. Makes me sick.

Myth: Slave reparations are necessary because the debt to black America has not been paid off, and deciding how much money should be given back, how to split it up and who it should be given to would so clearly not completely destroy the already fragile racial structures in this country. Ahem. Sarcasm. Ahem.
Truth: What the…? What the hell are you talking about? Where did that come from? I thought we were talking about West Nile Virus....

Myth: Affirmative Action is needed because blacks can't get a job on their own.
Truth: Now, wait a damn second. So you want to start fighting about Affirmative Action? Okay, fine, then, just give me a second to get my notes out on that…

Myth: Besides, most blacks are just interested in finding jobs shining my shoes, sacking my groceries, or pimping out my white women.
Truth: Now, that's just racist. If you'll just give me a second to get my damned notes…

Myth: If it wasn't for Affirmative Action, most black men would be where they prefer anyway: in prison enjoying anal sex.
Truth: Screw my notes, I'm getting my damned shotgun.

Myth: Oh, that's right--all blacks want to settle disputes with artillery. Way to perpetuate another stereotype, pal. Want some watermelon while you're at it? Can I interest you in some collared greens? Cornbread? How about a Cadillac? I've got a shitty 70s model with 250,000 miles on it that has your name written all over it.
Truth: You're right. I shouldn't resort to violence. But you shouldn't have resorted to cheap racial attacks.

Myth: You're right. But are you sorry about that stupid white people remark?
Truth: Only if you're sorry about all of that *slowly reaches for shotgun* racial stereotyping stuff.

Myth: Yeah, but you apologize first. You started it.
Truth: Okay I'm really quite sorry about saying...

*BOOM*

Truth: Whitey's so gullible.

- Brandon Stahl