Recently chastised for not taking reports of terrorist activity seriously,
the FBI has reluctantly released "intelligence" on other long-dormant
hostilities that have been heating up in the wake of 9-11.
SEPTEMBER 16, 2001
Debbie Reynolds and Elizabeth Taylor resume fighting over Eddie Fisher.
OCTOBER 8, 2002
Special Officer G. Krupke intervenes in a rumble between the Sharks
and the Jets, two hotheaded gangs of suspiciously well-groomed teenagers
on New York City's West Side. "The singing, the dancing, the finger-snapping...it
could have been a real bloodbath," reports Krupke.
NOVEMBER 10, 2002
Postal agents intercept death threats from the Blue Bomber. A grainy
black-and-white videotape shows the notorious Rock 'em Sock 'em Robot
snarling, "Red Rocker, I'm gonna knock your block off!"
NOVEMBER 22, 2001
Mud-slinging and hair-pulling escalates between Denver socialites
Krystle Carrington and Alexis Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan.
DECEMBER 3, 2001
Bounty paper towels beat out the Other Leading Brands as the quicker-picker-upper.
JANUARY 7, 2002
After storming a cave in the Arizona desert, federal agents confiscate
a cache of Acme Products stockpiled by one Wile E. Coyote.
JANUARY 19, 2002
Peacekeeping forces are called to West Virginia after Randolph McCoy
XI accuses Floyd Hatfield VIII of stealing his pig. "Sure she's ugly,
but I love her," pleads Hatfield before his execution by sawed-off
shotgun.
FEBRUARY 24, 2002
In Milan, stripes continue to clash with polka-dots on the spring
fashion runways.
MARCH 5, 2002
Reversing his 1992 apology, Pope John Paul George Ringo II again condemns
Galileo for heresy and summons the colorful Swiss Guards to place the
astronomeršs remains--the middle finger of his right hand, until now on
display at the Museo di Storia del Scienza in Florence--under house arrest.
"Everyone knows that the Earth is the center of all planetary activity,"
declares His Holiness.
MARCH 14, 2002
At the annual PEN Awards ceremony, Norman Mailer bitch-slaps Gore
Vidal.
APRIL 1, 2002
Revealing his 1984 "death" to be an elaborate hoax, comic
Andy Kaufman infiltrates a broadcast of WWF Smackdown and puts a hammerlock
on Jerry 'The King' Lawler.
APRIL 30, 2002
Claiming that singer Courtney Love has desecrated the shrine of Kurt
Cobain, Nirvana survivors Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic battle to force
Love to undergo a psychiatric evaluation. The Seattle tribunal shoots
down the request, but will impose U.N. sanctions on Love to ensure she
applies a stronger deodorant.
-Cheryl Solimini
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