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Neutral No More!
On March 3, Switzerland voted to join the United Nations, forsaking
centuries of neutrality. Though Swiss membership will not be official
until September, changes in national policy begin taking effect
this month:
- The "N" has been removed from all automobile gear shifts.
- The phrase "I don't care either way" is prohibited by law.
- All Swiss Army knives will be retrofitted with retractable
Uzis.
- Multiple-choice tests eliminate the option "D. None of the
above."
- Beige no longer goes with everything.
- Zantac is ineffective against acid indigestion.
- Brawling is now mandatory at public sporting events.
- Saint Bernards will be bred to be less like Nana from "Peter
Pan" and more like Cujo from "Cujo."
- Border guards are free to refuse sanctuary to the von Trapp
family.
- Video stores have reinstated the word "Enemy" to
previously altered movie titles, such as the recent "Disinterested
Party at the Gates," Julia Roberts' "Sleeping With
the Indifferent Bystander" and the classic 1931 Jimmy Cagney
film "The Public Ambivalent Individual."
- Swiss television renames America's favorite sitcom, "Friends...At
Least for Now or Until You Really Piss Me Off."
- Baking soda mixed with white vinegar will fizz into eternity.
- In addition to mini-marshmallows, Swiss Miss now has attitude.
- By Cheryl
Solimini
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