1. The "N" has been removed from all automobile gear shifts.

2. The phrase "I don't care either way" is prohibited by law.

3. All Swiss Army knives will be retrofitted with retractable Uzis.

4. Multiple-choice tests eliminate the option "D. None of the above."

5. Beige no longer goes with everything.

6. Zantac is ineffective against acid indigestion.

7. Brawling is now mandatory at public sporting events.

8. Saint Bernards will be breed to be less like Nana from "Peter Pan" and more like Cujo from "Cujo."

9. Border guards are free to refuse sanctuary to the von Trapp family.

10. Video stores have reinstated the word "Enemy" to previously altered movie titles, such as the recent "Disinterested Party at the Gates," Julia Roberts' "Sleeping With the Indifferent Bystander" and the classic 1931 Jimmy Cagney film "The Public Ambivalent Individual."

11.Swiss television renames America's favorite sitcom, "Friends...At Least for Now or Until You Really Piss Me Off."

12. Baking soda mixed with white vinegar will fizz into eternity.

13. In addition to mini-marshmallows, Swiss Miss now has attitude.

- By Cheryl Solimini