The WMDs: Reloaded

Now that "The Matrix: Reloaded" has hit movie theaters, Americans no longer care what is going on in Iraq. Still, trapped in their own virtual reality, the Neo-conservatives of the Bush Administration have assembled a team
of 1,000 "experts" to hunt for the weapons of mass destruction that would justify their invasion of a sovereign nation. So far their efforts have unearthed these shocking finds:

Clearly, these guys have something to hide.

• A warehouse filled with "Wow" potato and tortilla chips. Inspectors speculate that the olestra-laden snack foods were to be repackaged as regular chips and planted by Iraqi operatives in U.S. supermarket chains the week before Superbowl Sunday. The aim was to cause a deluge of "anal oil leakage" in living rooms across America that would bury all major metropolitan areas. The discovery has prompted Vice President Dick Cheney to commission the Halliburton Co. to look into the possibility of refining anal oil for domestic energy use.

• A fleet of mobile laboratories capable of mixing tons of toxic agents. However, building contractor Ahmed Sahmed, continues to insist that his so-called "Mack FCM71213 Cement Trucks" were used in a legitimate business enterprise and the traces of fine white powder found in the vehicles' rotating barrells were alumina, silica, lime, iron oxide and magnesium oxide--a main ingredient of concrete.

• Several vats of NH3 and NaOCl stored at a Hamid's Happy Housekeeper Supplies & Stuff facility. "Only a few highly sophisticated chemical weapons experts, such as Iraqi General Ali Hassan al-Majid, the architect of the 1988 genocidal 'Anfal' campaign against the Kurds, are aware that mixing ammonia with bleach creates a deadly gas!" huffed Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.

• 38,000 liters of botox, found in the stockroom of Dr. Rasheed Sasheed, Plastic Surgeon to Hussein wives Sajida Khairallah Talfah and Samira Shahbandar. "That's exactly how much botulism toxin I said the Iraqis were hiding. Cool!" giggled President George W. Bush.

• Thousands of shares of stock issued by the McDonald's Corporation. "The Iraqi government appeared to be investing in obesity, which is the second leading cause of death in the U.S.," averred Vice Admiral Richard H.
Carmona, who was sworn in as U.S. Surgeon General in August 2002 and, until now, hadn't been heard from since.

• Approximately 437,521 square kilometers of a loose granular material, "Which, if the wind blows the sand into your eyes, really stings," testified Major General Tommy Franks.

• A video of "Mars Attacks" and a cache of Slim Whitman recordings.

• Syria.

-Cheryl Solimini