CNN Ultra would like to proudly announce "Primetime Sex, Murder and Rock Roll" news cast. Brought to you by our new news team:

Lead Anchor:
WWF superstar Trish Stratus

Measurements: 45-23-36

Likes: Whipped cream, posing nude for money, foreign policy wonks

Dislikes: Bill O'Reilly, Chairs to the head

Meet Trish!

What she attributes to her success:
"The ability to sell a good spanking with flawless diction and pronunciation."

Advice for aspiring news anchors:
"Two words: SalCalabro.com"

What her co-workers don't yet know about her:
"I'm fluent in Spanish, French, and prostitute."

Co-Anchor:
Rock n Roll Legend Tommy Lee

Measurements: 5 inches, flacid

Likes: the Terminator movies, chili cheese dogs, watching Paula Zahn shower.

Dislikes: Watching Larry King shower

Meet Tommy!

What viewers can expect from a Tommy Lee broadcast:
"I swear, I'm going to be totally honest with my viewers. There will be no deception from Tommy Lee. My goal is to earn the viewers trust, so that when they turn me on each and every night, they totally sport a hard on for my truth."

Tommy on reporting breaking news:
"When things break, I guess it's best to be there before anyone else. You don't want sloppy seconds or nothing."

What his co-workers don't yet know about Tommy:
"I've not got mirrors on my ceiling, my walls, my bathroom shower, my garage and in my underwear."

Lead Reporter:
A Chinese Concubine

Measurements: Whatever you desire, my love

Likes: Whatever you wish

Dislikes: Watching Larry King shower… er, Whatever you dislike, I dislike, master

Meet the concubine!

What it takes to succeed in today's high-paced world of journalism:
"I am here to serve you and only you."

Did you know that viewers can pay for her services?
"Please, do try to outbid Larry King."

What her coworkers don't yet know about her:
"I can twist myself into the CNN logo."

Weather Person:
An ice cold Miller Genuine Draft

Measurements: 32 ounces of cold brew on a hot summer day

Likes: Guys who like to drink beer

Dislikes: Other beers, being shoved in Larry King's crotch

Meet the MGD!

Wouldn't an ice cold Miller Genuine Draft taste great right about now?
"It sure would."

That's the beer that's always ice filtered, never heat pasteurized, right?
"It sure is."

Even though I'm underage, it's okay to drink an occasional beer, right?
"Sure, so long as your parents are cool with it, or if they never find out.

And if I drink more beer, girls will like me, right?
"They will. They'll like you even more if they're underage and you score them a few six packs of me."

But I think my dad beats my mom because he drinks too much of you.
"Maybe it's the other way around, kid. Maybe your dad beats your mom because she doesn't drink enough. Maybe you should get her a few brews, too."

Is it wrong to be attracted to other boys?
"It sure is. Drink more of me and you'll be straight in no time."