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Lost Report: Privacy is Dead! Long Live Privacy!
What will the newly signed "Patriot Act" mean for your freedoms and
civil liberties? Now it can be reported! According to the ACLU, the new law requires
that:
- Muslims spotted dancing and rejoicing in streets across the U.S. following
the September 11 terrorist attacks will be forced to relocate to a small Iowa
town where dancing is outlawed under the tyranny of hellfire preacher John Lithgow.
- All remaining Muslims must register immediately with the U.S. War Relocation
Authority after which time they will be herded to recreational internment camps
in remote but exotic locales including the California desert. Here they may choose
from a variety of leisure activities including picking cotton, harvesting vegetables,
attending daily Christian mass and opening mail for top-ranking government officials
and media corporations. Visitors will enjoy rent-free spacious 20 x 20 bungalows
inside ramparts protected by barbed wire and snipers in guard towers. Complimentary
afternoon tea and evening turndown service is also provided.
- Muslim Americans named Mohammed must immediately change their name to the
American equivalent, John.
- Local police and national guardsmen are on high alert for suspicious characters
resembling Jesus Christ, with specific instructions to shoot first, ask questions
later.
- All Americans will be asked to complete a "loyalty questionnaire"
whereby their unqualified allegiance to the war effort will be carefully scrutinized.
Persons with scores indicating antiwar tendencies will be the last to receive
supplies of Cipro and Smallpox vaccines. Questionnaires are available at any participating
McDonalds, Walmart and Lockheed Martin factory outlet stores.
- Any U.S. resident under suspicion of being "up to no good" will
be publicly flogged with paddles while repeating, "Yes sir, I'm a faggot
sir."
- Feminists, abortionists, pagans, gays, lesbians and the A.C.L.U. will continue
to have a finger pointed in their direction because God will not be mocked.
- Bill Maher must never again appear on national television.
- All future public opinion polls will reveal that 94% of Americans view President
Bush as a well-spoken intelligent man. The remaining 6% will be tagged unseemly
radical militia who use makeshift showers.Similarly, 99% of school children will
site President Bush as their personal hero in a Dateline exclusive called "Who
Do Your Children Look Up To?"
- It will be mandatory that the words "towel-head," "camel jockey,"
"camel-humper" and "sand-scratcher" be added to vocabulary
lists of all elementary school classrooms throughout the U.S.
- The Bible will be re-written to make the beginning of human life on Earth
commence in the U.S. where people were indisputably white. Adam and Eve will preside
in Busch Gardens, Tampa, featuring more than 2,700 animals, live shows, themed
restaurants, gift shops and games. Although Adam and Eve are punished for eating
the forbidden fruit, they are forgiven for imbibing $1.25 draft pints of Bud Ice
and "Doc" Otis Hard Lemonade at thepar Stanleyville Smokehouse.
- In an effort to Anglicize Muslims, the U.S. government has ordered beer manufacturers
to target Muslim American men with new advertising campaigns depicting white-cloaked
men in sandals with long beards playing beach volleyball with busty and eager
supermodels. The men will repeat, "I love this country!" while toasting
each other and groping their fawning females.
- The government has also ordered Big Fun to reissue the song "Teenage
Suicide (Don't Do It)" featured in the 1989 dark comedy Heathers in an effort
to dissuade young and impressionable Muslim would-be suicide bombers from committing
such acts of terrorism in the U.S.
Developing...
-Diane Bullock
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