LB: How does it feel to be unfrozen?

WD: Less cold.

LB: Ooh, someone is gonna be a great interview.

WD: Shut up.

LB: Okay. Okay. Just to be fair, anyone would be pretty irritable after being woken from a 40-year-old ice nap. I mean, the bed-head alone…

WD: And this is supposed to be a comedy site?

LB: How would you know the word "site?"

WD: It's a pretty common word.

LB: But haven't you been frozen in ice for forty years?

WD: I took a laptop with me before entering the cryogenic chamber.

LB: But haven't you been frozen in ice for forty years.

WD: The ice didn't affect my hearing.

LB: I didn't ask you that question yet. Stop looking ahead.

WD: I meant that you repeated your question. I heard you the first time.

LB: (checking notecards) My next question is…Did the ice affect your hearing?

WD: No.

LB: Good. Now you're cooperating.

WD: How's my company been doing?

LB: Now you're not cooperating.

WD: I'm not allowed to ask a question?

LB: Are you the interviewer?

WD: No.

LB: I asked you that same question before our interview when I was still getting over my shrooms. How come you didn't complain about me repeating my question this time?

WD: I guess I didn't hear the question before.

LB: Why, did the ice affect your hearing?

WD: I already answered that. Can't a person not hear something without being considered deaf by ice?

LB: You're not cooperating again.

WD: It was a rhetorical question.

LB: Still.

WD: You're right. Can we talk about my mouse?

LB: But you've been frozen in ice for forty years. And laptops, assuming they secretly existed back then, have that little pad you can use.

WD: Mickey, I meant.

LB: Are you the interviewer?

WD: I didn't just ask a question.

LB: Shrooms came back. Sorry. But you did ask, "Can we talk about my mouse?" before. So, I guess my last "Am I the interviewer?" was correct, only delayed.

WD: Are all people on Earth like this now?!

LB: I'll let that go because it was metaphorical.

WD: You didn't make an exception for metaphorical before.

LB: I was too hard on you. My analyst says I'm too hard on formerly frozen people.

WD: I understand.

LB: Your mouse is great actually. Your company has had movie hits like "Beauty and the Beast," "Aladdin" and "The Hunchback of Notre Dame…"

WD: "The Hunchback of Notre Dame?" Doesn't the hideous guy throw himself from the tower at the end of that story?

LB: I never catch French flicks.

WD: That seems pretty irresponsible for kids to have to see that.

LB: Well you were the one who wanted to freeze yourself, weren't you?

WD: I was dying. It was my only chance.

LB: So how come you're not dead now?

WD: Because I froze myself.

LB: But wouldn't you just die as soon as we unfroze you?

WD: I was dying. I wasn't dead.

LB: But if you were dying before then aren't you dying now?

WD: Uh…well…shit.

LB: Pretty good question I just asked, wouldn't you say?

WD: I guess.

LB: Do you feel upset?

WD: Yes.

LB: Okay, since I bummed you…You can ask me a free question. Except about my sexual orientation. You wouldn't believe the answer even if I told you.

WD: Same goes for me.

LB: You mean I wouldn't believe you if you said you were gay?

WD: I'm not gay.

LB: You're right. I wouldn't believe you even if you told me.

WD: I'm not feeling well.

LB: Are you dying?

WD: I think so.

LB: Any last words?

WD: What's "Aladdin?"

LB: Are you the interviewer? Pat O'Brien? Didn't you used to be a respectable sports analyst…

-Eric Butterman