It seems so long ago since the world found out about this sad freak - and now Michael Jackson has even bigger problems. Afterlife paper The Heavenly Gate is reporting that John Merrick, aka The Elephant Man, has purchased Michael Jackson's soul for a song, "Kyrie" by Mister Mister, to be exact, which God had long coveted for its "upbeat rhythm" and "deep-ass lyrics."

This trade came as no surprise since Merrick has long been trying to get back at Jackson for "inappropriate use of bones and other indiscretions." Asked what he'll do with the King of Pop's soul, Merrick said he didn't know how much soul a white man could really have to begin with but that he would probably force Jackson to sing "P.Y.T." 24/7 after the singer dies in 2024 from a fatal case of self-realization. Merrick acquired the rights to "Kyrie" after close friend and Mister Mister lead singer Richard Page advised him to purchase all of his band's greatest hits ("Broken Wings" rocks!) so that Mister's work could be shamelessly abused the way Jackson had done to the Beatles.

The King of Pop could not be reached for comment as a little boy's erection was lodged down his throat at press time.

-Eric Butterman