Legislative Agenda for Congress March 26th, 2003

9:00am: Pass measure congratulating restaurant owners for offering freedom fries.

10:00am: Consider motion advising beauticians of new preferred terms, American Braids and Liberty Manicures.

10:30am: Consider bill to require public school abstinence curricula to adopt phrase "shock and awe kissing."

11:00am: Motion to crack down on illicit business supplying French ticklers to congressmen's offices.

11:15pm: Open debate on Justice Salad Dressing Act.

11:30pm: Consider motion to change above act to apply to Russian dressing, and just ban French dressing outright.

11:45pm: Table motion on whether salads themselves are un-American.

Noon: Lunch. Pastry case now features "Churchills" instead of "Napoleons."

1:00pm: Delcare war on Iraq

1:15pm: Open Debate on Pursuit-of-Happiness Maid Outfits Act

2:00pm: Change meaure to Immoral-But-Still-Better-than-Burkas Maid Outfits Act

3:00pm: Open debate on what to call French Canadians.

4:00pm: Close debate after realizing Canada is not really part of United States.

4:30pm: Instruct janitors to cover all French windows in Washington DC with duct tape. Have them called Bush eye-glasses.

By Miriam Axel-Lute