Bush proclaims: This war is going to be so easy and will be over so quickly that it's only going to take 10 years to fight
• War will be over just as soon as we win, he boasts

The Pentagon requests reporters no longer ask following questions:
• When is the war going to end?
• How much money will it cost?
• Why'd you say it'd be over so quickly?
• Remind us why we're there again?
• Can someone other than Rumsfeld answer our questions?

Franks war plan included provisions for "quitting if the Iraqis fire back" and "surrendering to the nearest camel"

BREAKING NEWS:
Oil discovered in Syria
• Operation Syrian Freedom underway

Report shows:
More war=More Daryn Kagan
• Allies rejoice

Gen. Franks was a big fan of Peter Arnett
• Keeps lifesized, autographed poster of Arnett in private bathroom

White House strongly denys Richard Perle awarded $10-per-Iraqi killed by DOD

This war gets more expensive the more you complain about it
• Each voice of protest costs another billion
• Fall of the stock market also tied to your incessant whining

Everything's going according to plan
• This is the bestest war we've ever conducted!
• Ever!
• The bestest!

Bush's new Risk war plan calls for attack on "strategic" launching points of Madagascar, Ural and Yakutsk
* Plan to fortify South American borders of Venezuela and Brazil abandoned

Millions of Iraqi citizens greeting U.S. soldiers/liberators with open arms
• The ones that don't were clearly brainwashed by Franks

Henry Kissinger pleased with war's progress
• Wants to hit Cambodia, Hitchens next

If anyone has ideas on how to shutdown Iraqi TV, we'd love to hear it
• Reward, bombing of most hated enemy offered

EDITORIAL:
General Franks would surrender to Bablyon 5 nerds if we let him

Ari Fleisher has too had sex
• And no, it wasn't with his hand

President's Page:
• This real-life game of stratego is pretty cool, until you hit that damned Spy character

Rumsfield's Room:
• Every time you turn around, expect to see me. 'Cause one time you'll turn around and I'll be there, and I'll kill you, Matt.

Cheney's Corner:
• I don't know who started the rumor, but I did not deflower the Olsen Twins.

A message from the Conservative Press Association
• Even though we can't come up with good reasons for this war, it's still a great idea for us to be over there.

You know, there's other stuff to report on besides the war
• Hey, baseball season started! Hey everyone, look over there at baseball season!

Just because we're either picking fights with Islamic nations or bombing them doesn't mean we hate them
• It's just our way of showing we care, officials say
• Here, take these flowers, officials offer. They're roses. You like roses, don't you?

Rumsfeld to Norway: You better not look at me crosseyed, punk
• That goes for you too, Molly Ivins
• Franks too cowardly to threaten or intimidate anyone

Ari Fleicher granted license to kill, hunts down White House Press corps, takes out Helen Thomas

Finally: Bin Laden forgotten

Tomohawk missiles accidentally slam into Turkey, Lebanon, Iran, Dixie Chicks
• Martin Sheen, Beastie Boys, Michael Moore also targeted for accidental missiles

Al Jazeera broadcasts unauthenticated, undated videotape of SARS virus
• Virus denounces Bush, praises filth

Report: Most nude war protesters do not look like Halle Berry.
• More like Kathy Bates.

New Yorker scribe Seymour Hersh found beaten to death with his own pencil.
• Fleischer: "No comment."

Pro-war sentiment at all time high
• In Brooksville, Alabama

Report: Franks never takes showers at the gym
• Possibly explains why he stuffs gym shorts with sock, high-placed Secretary of Defense official snorts

Cheney says something or other that should probably just be ignored

Bush removes pesky carpet stains with Resolve

Update: General Franks is such a commie-lovin' pussy
• That's what 95 percent of Americans say in new poll
• Rumsfeld outraged at low polling numbers

Maureen Dowd is still a total whore
• Tell her she looks pretty in that skirt and halter top and she'll be on top of you for hours, say top officials

Don't believe anything you read in the April 4 edition of the New York Times
• Ignore the Wall Street Journal and the Washington Post, too

Powell denies visible puppet strings

Haliburton does not manufacture soylent green
• Franks does, though, insiders say