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How Would You Punish Saddam?
By C. Ted Allen
Saddam Hussein ordered the torture and murder of thousands
of Iraqis, invaded Kuwait, gassed the Kurds, and tried to
kill a former U.S. president. George W. Bush says the Iraqi
dictator deserves the "ultimate penalty.''
So, how would you punish Saddam?
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Force him to sit for hours in a carnival
dunking machine at the next Bush family reunion. |
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Round-the-clock viewing of old Kathie Lee Gifford
Christmas specials until he hangs himself. |
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Require him to carry photos of every victim of his
regime. |
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Mandatory appearances on "Larry King Live,''
"The O'Reilly Factor'' and "The Howard Stern
Show.'' |
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Enlist CBS to air a miniseries about his family. |
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Require him to share a prison cell with Michael Jackson. |
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A full semester of hazing by an elite squad of Texas
fraternity members. |
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Force him to host Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie for
a month in Tikrit for a new Fox program, "The Simple
Despot." |
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Ninety minutes, plus injury time, with a group of
English soccer hooligans. |
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Life plus 100 years at the Louisiana State Penitentiary
at Angola. |
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Make him watch as the ``Trading Spaces'' crew transforms
his spider-hole hideout into a jarring display of reds
and greens. |
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An internship with Rosie O'Donnell or Martha Stewart. |
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Bury him under thousands of copies of the Geneva Convention. |
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Hire him to coach the New York Giants. |
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Give him the Democratic presidential nomination, so
Bush can humiliate him once again. |
C. Ted Allen is a journalist in Washington.
More by Ted Allen:
What's Dick Hiding?
How to Spot the Terrorists
Name That
War!
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