State of Emergency

State legislatures are facing one of the most serious financial crises in years. A recessed economy continues to wipe out tax revenues, and as a result many states have resorted to unorthodox measures to balance their budgets:

Iowa:
One carton of Marlboro Lights now included in every school lunch—a pioneering effort to generate new tobacco lawsuit revenues

New York:
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton plans to file for income tax in New York for the first time.

Connecticut:
Governor John Rowland hoarding Uranium, rumored to be developing weapons of mass destruction.

California:
Attempts to receive federal disaster assistance every time Universal Stuidos runs the “EARTHQUAKE!” theme ride so far unsuccessful.

Illinois:
Sammy Sosa withholding payments to his native Dominican Republic, instead sending them to Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich.

Washington:
For an undisclosed sum, Paul Allen will be featured on the state quarter when it's released in August 2007.

Wyoming:
Tuition at Wyoming State University will increase by 32% next year, affecting at least 42 people.

Nevada:
Gambling, prostitution, and printing currency on ink-jet printers now legal.

Yellowstone National Park:
Old Faithful will be cut back to only one appearance per day.

Nationwide:
You can’t get comedy central anywhere anymore, dammit.

By Travis Daub