One Genome Short of a Full Human

Last Tuesday night at 2 a.m. the team of scientists charged with mapping the human genome announced they were finished. No really, this time it’s actually complete. Well, not quite, but Celera Genomics’ share price needed another shot in the arm and press conference was just what the doctor ordered. Just a little medical humor there for you.

Now that scientists have officially compiled the complete human genome, what’s next?

•	Scientists will use the data to reconstruct our global family tree. First: attempt to dispove theory that the entire 21st century human population is related to Wilt Chamberlin.
•	Wait a few months, then announce “No wait! We just really finshed it. This time it’s much more complete.” See if the guys in admin will pop for more champagne.
•	Bring racial harmony to the world by finally proving that all people are made up of the same basic building blocks—except, of course, for those filthy Iowans.
•	Data from the project will be put to use in the medical field. Unlocking the secrets of human behavior will lead to new, more effective treatments for diseases, and much, much tastier cigarettes.
•	Eventually, the group's efforts will lead to breakthroughs in understanding how genetics can influence intelligence—but stupid people won’t be able to understand.
•	Dissecting the building blocks of life should lead to an entirely new appreciation for life, the ecosystem, and the fact that Carrot Top wasn’t killed by a merciful nurse shortly after his birth.
•	The organizations that worked to decode the genome did so with every intention of making the results of their work free to the public. Instead of charging for the data, to cover the $12 billion spent on the project they’ll just patent the letters A, T, C, and G.

By Travis Daub