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Smart-Ass Card

Larry Ellison, founder and CEO of Oracle, has a wet dream that he wants to share with all of America-- that one day all U.S. citizens will carry national I.D. cards.

But these aren't just copies of your driver's license. Through the wonders of modern science and overly-inflated marketing budgets, Larry and his band of corporate cohorts will create a SMARTCARD that electronically stores all of your personal information and vital statistics, from your blood type to your porn preference to the last ten books you stole from the library.

This SMARTCARD will be linked to you as well as to a gigantic database located in an undisclosed area in Omaha, Nebraska, called DEATHBASE. It will monitor you for 24 hours a day with the ability alert authorities should you threaten national security. Only the federal government and telemarketing firms will have access to this data.

But don't get too excited! Your SMARTCARD will know and immediately sedate you!

Here are a few other benefits that you SMARTCARD will provide:

  • Your SMARTCARD works just like a VISA check card. It is accepted at more than 4,000 nationwide ATM machines, hundreds of stores and at the Department of Justice Coke machine.

  • Stem Cell reseach is big news these days, and I don't know about you, but I don't want any wacky Italian scientists harvesting my body like a clear-cut rainforest. But if that happens to you, don't worry. As soon as you see those pasta-munchers coming, just activate the SMARTCARD's personal stem cell protection system and all vital stem cells in your body will be instantly vaporized. Take that Luigi!

  • Wondering whether the foreign man driving your cab is actually a terrorist? Activate the SMARTCARD's background check, and five CIA agents will immediately pursue your cab driver on a high speed chase through several states. They'll run him down, arrest him, beat him, and hold him in jail without bail for up to two years. Eventually, background checks and interrogations will reveal whether or not he's a terrorist. If he is a U.S.A. hater, you've done your job, loyal American!

  • Once you have received your SMARTCARD your legal name will no longer be that which was given to you by your parents. You'll be identified by the last five digits of your social security number and a unique secret handshake developed by John Ashcroft. Standing on the beach and yelling "I am not a number! I am a free man!" is frowned upon by #2.

  • U.S. citizens traveling abroad who are taken hostage by foreign nationals can present their SMARTCARDs to obtain preferred status. Preferred status grants the right to: Repeated beatings with brass knuckles; Intermittent injections of DRAINO; A slow painful death involving piano wire; Limitless interview time for surviving relatives on Larry King LIVE.

  • Using technology developed by Lockheed Martin and Miss Cleo, SmartCard knows exactly when you will die. Of course, if you ask, it will just stutter and act like it forgot. But it still knows.

  • Smokers who have trouble finding designated smoking areas in airports or federal buildings no longer need to panic. The next time you have that urge to whip out a cigarette, you'll activate the built-in Jon Voight chip. Voight's voice, in its best Howard Cossell impersonation, will verbally belittle and humiliate you into quitting the habit that costs taxpayers more than $500 billion dollars every day. You pathetic tobacco junkie.

  • Your SMARTCARD will know when and why you're aroused, and will alert local FBI if you're within 500 feet of a kindergarten or a flight school.

  • Planning to pay cash for several cross-country flights in the next few months? Present your SMARTCARD and get double frequent flyer miles!

  • Have you gotten lost again while driving behind the wheel of your non-American-made SUV? Just hit the "On-Star" button on your SMARTCARD, and a missile will be dropped on your location in five seconds.

  • Think the SMARTCARD is a bad idea? Just be sure not to take your frustrations out on the card, as you'll make it cry. The fight you two will get in will last for hours, and will only end up with you making a guilty apology that you don't really mean. Your SMARTCARD will accept your mea culpa, but will want to cuddle for the rest of the night. So just keep your mouth shut for the next 50 years or so, asshole.

  • Individuals who have had secret government microchips implanted deep inside their brains can now have them removed and transferred to the SMARTCARD with no loss of radio reception quality.

  • As you've probably learned from the Office of Drug Policy's public service announcements, when you buy illegal drugs, you're supporting international terrorism. Your SMARTCARD can detect illegal substances in your vicinity and it will recommend that you immediately run for President or Mayor of New York.


-Travis Daub and Brandon Stahl


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