Larry Ellison, founder and CEO of Oracle, has a wet dream that
he wants to share with all of America-- that one day all U.S.
citizens will carry national I.D. cards.
But these aren't just copies of your driver's license. Through
the wonders of modern science and overly-inflated marketing budgets,
Larry and his band of corporate cohorts will create a SMARTCARD
that electronically stores all of your personal information and
vital statistics, from your blood type to your porn preference
to the last ten books you stole from the library.
This SMARTCARD will be linked to you as well as to a gigantic
database located in an undisclosed area in Omaha, Nebraska, called
DEATHBASE. It will monitor you for 24 hours a day with the ability
alert authorities should you threaten national security. Only
the federal government and telemarketing firms will have access
to this data.
But don't get too excited! Your SMARTCARD will know and immediately
Here are a few other benefits that you SMARTCARD will provide:
- Your SMARTCARD works just like a VISA check card. It is accepted
at more than 4,000 nationwide ATM machines, hundreds of stores
and at the Department of Justice Coke machine.
- Stem Cell reseach is big news these days, and I don't know
about you, but I don't want any wacky Italian scientists harvesting
my body like a clear-cut rainforest. But if that happens to
you, don't worry. As soon as you see those pasta-munchers coming,
just activate the SMARTCARD's personal stem cell protection
system and all vital stem cells in your body will be instantly
vaporized. Take that Luigi!
- Wondering whether the foreign man driving your cab is actually
a terrorist? Activate the SMARTCARD's background check, and
five CIA agents will immediately pursue your cab driver on a
high speed chase through several states. They'll run him down,
arrest him, beat him, and hold him in jail without bail for
up to two years. Eventually, background checks and interrogations
will reveal whether or not he's a terrorist. If he is a U.S.A.
hater, you've done your job, loyal American!
- Once you have received your SMARTCARD your legal name will
no longer be that which was given to you by your parents. You'll
be identified by the last five digits of your social security
number and a unique secret handshake developed by John Ashcroft.
Standing on the beach and yelling "I am not a number! I
am a free man!" is frowned upon by #2.
- U.S. citizens traveling abroad who are taken hostage by foreign
nationals can present their SMARTCARDs to obtain preferred status.
Preferred status grants the right to: Repeated beatings with
brass knuckles; Intermittent injections of DRAINO; A slow painful
death involving piano wire; Limitless interview time for surviving
relatives on Larry King LIVE.
- Using technology developed by Lockheed Martin and Miss Cleo,
SmartCard knows exactly when you will die. Of course, if you
ask, it will just stutter and act like it forgot. But it still
- Smokers who have trouble finding designated smoking areas
in airports or federal buildings no longer need to panic. The
next time you have that urge to whip out a cigarette, you'll
activate the built-in Jon Voight chip. Voight's voice, in its
best Howard Cossell impersonation, will verbally belittle and
humiliate you into quitting the habit that costs taxpayers more
than $500 billion dollars every day. You pathetic tobacco junkie.
- Your SMARTCARD will know when and why you're aroused, and
will alert local FBI if you're within 500 feet of a kindergarten
or a flight school.
- Planning to pay cash for several cross-country flights in
the next few months? Present your SMARTCARD and get double frequent
- Have you gotten lost again while driving behind the wheel
of your non-American-made SUV? Just hit the "On-Star" button
on your SMARTCARD, and a missile will be dropped on your location
in five seconds.
- Think the SMARTCARD is a bad idea? Just be sure not to take
your frustrations out on the card, as you'll make it cry. The
fight you two will get in will last for hours, and will only
end up with you making a guilty apology that you don't really
mean. Your SMARTCARD will accept your mea culpa, but will want
to cuddle for the rest of the night. So just keep your mouth
shut for the next 50 years or so, asshole.
- Individuals who have had secret government microchips implanted
deep inside their brains can now have them removed and transferred
to the SMARTCARD with no loss of radio reception quality.
- As you've probably learned from the Office of Drug Policy's
public service announcements, when you buy illegal drugs, you're
supporting international terrorism. Your SMARTCARD can detect
illegal substances in your vicinity and it will recommend that
you immediately run for President or Mayor of New York.
and Brandon Stahl