COMPANY NEWS

Wal-Mart Announces Plans to Corner Everything, Everybody
• No one is safe: all competitors must be put out on street corner by end of the year
• Including street corners

Products we will soon be selling:
Cars, mortgages, land, ocean, peace, the sky, babies, nuclear weapons, Absolut Vodka, China, love, Omaha Steaks, organized religion

10,000 new stores expected to open by next year
• In Rhode Island alone

In order to achieve our profit goals, we need happier, healthier Wal-Mart's employees
• Workers advised to take "vow of love and loyalty" by time finished reading this sentence

In order to fill estimated 800,000 new jobs, employees encouraged to bring in sales associate candidates
• Bring in two workers, get three weeks of unpaid overtime!

If you can think of anything we're not selling, would you let us know?

Aggressive sales expansion applauded by Nobel Peace Prize winners
• They're all very happy that their drive to Wal-Mart will only take them 3.2 seconds.

Wal-Mart announces plans to buy United States Senate
• "This will make a lot of the shit we plan to do a whole hell of a lot easier," says Robson Walton, son of Sam

EMPLOYEE NEWS

Wal-Mart Survey: Employees happier spending time with Wal-Mart family
• Depression settles in when forced to cohabitate with "blood" family
• Stealing from the register causes leprosy

Report: Working unpaid overtime brings one closer to God
• "It's true," says God.

Your co-workers cry when you talk about life outside of Wal-Mart

Special Feature: Are you happy?
• Are you greeting customers in a way that says, "I'm happy to be here!"?
• Does your smile tell them, "I haven't left the store in 36 hours because I want to stay, not because I can't leave?"

Just because we beat you doesn't mean we don't love you
• Here, have these flowers, baby.

Special offer for employees only: Act now, get 15 percent discount on purchase of Blue Crush, now on video and DVD

Five reasons why you should tell your friends to work for Wal-Mart:
5) We're putting their current employer out of business anyway
4) That rumor about installing chips into the front right side of our workers brains in the cerebral cortex area is completely false.
3) Buy one, get one free, roll of toilet paper.
2) We now offer bathroom breaks. Every other day (must supply own toilet paper. And bathroom.)
1) Lots of overtime for those that need it.

The reason we lock workers in the store at night is for security purposes
• It has nothing to do with wanting you to work harder so that Sam Walton and his children can achieve the financial success they've long dreamt of