 |
Reminder:
Boozing on the job is prohibited.
|
WorldCom Call Center
Phone Script #238
Dealing with phone calls from those pricks
at the SEC:
IMPORTANT
Items to avoid:
It is extremely important that you never
say the following lines when on the phone
with an investigator from the Securities
and Exchange Commission (SEC).
- I’m sorry, I can’t hear
you. (yelling into the background) Hey
Walt! Can you please stop shredding
papers for a minute so I can hear this
bastard from the SEC?!
- We couldn’t possibly accept charges
for this collect call. This place is
fucking bankrupt.
- Wait, I gave that $3.2 billion deposit
to Uncle Billy.
- I’m sorry, we seem to have a
bad connection – or - it could
be on account of the fact that my phone’s
earpiece is stuffed with cash.
- I’ve temporarily stopped the
state-required recording of this phone
call because I’d now like to engage
in some illegal activity.
- FDIC? We don’t need NO stinking
FDIC!
- Ha! ENRON? Buncha lightweights!
- Yes, Martha Stewart did stop by to
have lunch with the CFO.
- Yes, I am interested in changing my
long distance plan to Sprint.
- Please wait while I transfer you to
my rectum.
- Oh hey, yo it's the SEC! Listen, can
I give you a call back? My mom is like,
dying, or something like that on the
other line.
- Go ahead, talk, it's your 3.8 billion.
Note: Some of the above lines may be appropriate
when on the phone with representatives
of the Republican National Committee (RNC).
Canned Responses:
Consider using these canned responses
should you find yourself locked into a
phone conversation with an SEC investigator.
In the event your conversation takes a
turn for the worse, these responses will
give you the upper hand:
Example 1.
SEC Investigator: Hello, this is
John Doe calling from the SEC.
RESPONSE: AT&T Operator. How may
I help you?
Example 2.
SEC Investigator: Can
I please speak with your supervisor?
RESPONSE: My supervisor?
SEC: Yes, I just spoke with her on
the phone yesterday.
RESPONSE: (Dramatic trembling) But,
But my supervisor’s been dead for
20 years!
Example 3.
SEC Investigator: I’m calling
to inquire about the current status of
your internal audits?
RESPONSE: I’ve been instructed
to let you know that we're going to have
to probe deeper into these matters before
we can make a public statement.
SEC: We’re not nearly satisfied
with the depth of your probe. We expect
you to probe even deeper. So far your
probe has proven inadequate.
RESPONSE: There’s no way we can
conduct such a deep probe and still stay
on schedule. In that case, we’ll
have to probe much faster and work harder.
SEC: We need you to probe deeper and
faster! Now!
RESPONSE: You have to understand
that our staff can't take this kind of
abuse!
SEC: This probe is most unsatisfactory.
RESPONSE: We may need to contract
out a third party staff to conduct the
full probe of this matter, since our internal
probe is nearly exhausted.
SEC: Whatever it takes to complete
this probe, just hurry!
###
|
