EEeeeeraawwwwwwwww KKKKKabooom! President Bush pretending his pen is a bomb and his desktop is Iraq, like he does every day.

I Put The "Casual" in Casualties

LostBrain actually obtained the first draft of Bush's address to the nation following the bombing of Iraq. It's amazing what we get our stinkin' paws on:

America, as I sit before you in my off-lavender smoking jacket, enjoying a hunter green pipe filled with only the finest Garcia Vega, a five-letter word comes to mind—Chill.

Listen, I executed morepeople as Governor of Texas than are likely to die in this war, and if even more die, then at least this could finally put an end to the real terrorist threat we face within our borders -- Reality television. With the 18-21 year old demographic keeping these "talent" competitions alive, a little downsizing of this group may help keep more important shows like "Yes, Dear" pumping. We already lost "Baby Bob," and I won't have us needlessly sacrifice another show about infants that can talk like they were adultified.

Furthermore, our national GPA will rise as students presently and understandably confuse Iran and Iraq on their Geography tests. If we completely destroy one of these nations, expect kids like 16-year-old John Templeton to turn that nasty B- into a beatific B. You keep studying there, Johnny. Remember to move your other hand out of the way when you slam that car door, Johnny. Another factor to keep in mind is that underage drinking will be eliminated. Present alcoholical research indicates that 18,19 and 20-year-olds do the bulk of the sippin', so we lose a few over in Jordan, or whoever we’re fighting, and that underage thing is hasta la pasta. Except, of course, for that "one for me and one for my homies" thing at the funerals, but that's mostly a fertilizing metaphor to be sure.

In closing, America, if it's okay if I call you "America," sit back, sit tight, sit right and don’t pay attention to the economy—Right now, we got bigger fish to boil."