Tina Brown-nosing

Seeing that I'm member of the media--albeit one as superfluous as an appendix--I feel I have an obligation to criticize her and her failed magazine. Everyone else has finally taken their turn and now we're finally at the end of the line. So here goes:

Tina Brown, you suck. You suck hard. You suckity suck suck. You and your whole operation suck. You are the very definition of suck. I can't tell you, exactly, why you suck. But you do and for as long as you're alive, you'll always suuuck.

This feels good. It's cleansing. It's powerful. It's religious. And if you're a journalist reading this, don't you feel good, too? Don't you have a calm that's just washed over you, knowing that while you don't suck, Tina sure does?

And please, stop trying to deny your suckiness. It's sickening. It is as false and shallow as your crush on Chelsea Clinton. Speaking of Chelsea, yeah, you suck, too. Yeah You. You suck. Both of you are entangled in a gigantic web of suck.

In all fairness, I should point out that I've never met Tina. And honestly, I've never read one of her issues of Vanity Fair, never read one of Tina's New Yorkers.

Sucks like a Nuclear powered Hoover on crank.

For that matter, I've never even read through a single issue of Talk. Though Tina did once manage to form Heather Graham's breasts to look like two dangling almonds on the cover of an issue (now framed in my office), I never had an interest to actually page through the insides of the magazine.

Sucks to the izzo. Suck to the izzay.

And while I'm on a roll, I have to admit that I have no earthly idea what Tina even looks like. Devoid of actual pictures, when I think Tina I imagine a cross between Tina Turner and Devine Brown.

If two Tina's were traveling toward each other on a railroad track, one Tina speeding at 55 mph and the other at 63 mph, just how much would that collision suck?

Tina, I hope you're not taking this personally. Like I said, I don't want to do this, I'm just obligated. No, more like forced. A bunch of media professionals broke down my door last night and are now standing above me right now, guns pointed to my head, beating me with sticks, ordering me to criticize you.

Tina, Brandon Stahl on line one. He's calling to remind you of your 5:30 you suck appointment. Should I put him through?

But I have to ask, why does the media hate you? For months and months before the magazine folded, a Talk death watch was on. Las Vegas had odds posted around the clock, just waiting until Harvey announced the magazine's demise. "Talk folds!" a dealer shouted, and millions cashed in. New York Times writers hired hitmen to stake out your offices, just waiting to take out you and your staff.

Tina, do you realize that if all of the people who wanted the magazine to fail just bought a single subscription... well, it'd still fail. Because you suck.

Why are we supposed to hate you? Is that you got chummy with celebrities and threw elaborate parties? Is that it? Or is that you signed with a movie studio to produce a magazine, then burned through $40 million in cash in a couple of years and partially blamed the magazine's failure on September 11th?

Your honor, if it pleases the court, I'd like to enter into this scroll into evidence. It is a document, signed in blood, sent down by God from theheavens, delivered to this court by the Pope. It reads: On this day, Tina Brown doth suck. And with that, I rest my case.

Personally, I think the real reason that we're supposed to hate you is this: you were a simple magazine editor that got famous. Not really famous, but C to B level status, and that's more than any editor could ever dream of attaining. There are thousands of us, ranging from the lowly trade magazines to Time, and none of us are friends with Madonna. We'll always hate you for that.

I was once like you, Tina. Jobless, wondering where the next paycheck would come from, worried about paying bills, buying groceries. Every journalist in New York took potshots at me. But then I found a job. And now I don't suck.

Now that you're unemployed, you've given so many other out of work or soon to be out of work writers the opportunity to expound upon your failures and write article after article analyzing Talk's collapse. But mostly, they're just happy because they have a legitimate excuse to make fun of you.

Some writers have even taken time out of their busy schedule to guess at your future, to wonder just where you'll be doing next and to offer career advice. Most of these writers and the people they interview admit to have never even met you. But that's the price you pay, I guess, when you suck.

MediaNews Headline:
LostBrain Closes Doors
During a meeting at 5:05 p.m., while staffers were chatting about how bright the magazine's future looked, editor Brandon Stahl informed them that as of that very moment, they were all fired and were to be the subject of abject name calling and prank phone calls. "I can't believe this happened to us. Things were going so well," said Stahl. "Tina Brown sucks."

-Brandon Stahl