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Breasts! Stern!
Introduction: Brandon Stahl and Cheryl Solimini began emailing
back and forth when Cheryl, an otherwise successful author,
lost an unfortunate bet and was forced to submit an article to
LostBrain.com. The correspondences that took place between the
two turned out to be almost as funny as Slate's
Breakfast Table, so we decided to violate Cheryl's privacy
and publish them.
From: Brandon Stahl
Date: Mon, 29 Apr 2002 08:38:52 -0500
To: 'Cheryl Solimini'
Subject: RE: I Love Me
I like your idea about the email compilations. Essentially, I
like anything having to do with me, because I just love me. I'm
infatuated with the business known as Me Inc., and want to do
whatever it takes for that corporation to raise lots of money
and oppress the working class at the same time. Oh sure, Me Inc.
might be running a few tax scams here and there to make a little
money on the side, and maybe I'm a huge contributor to Pat Buchanon's
on-going presidential campaign (we have hopes for 2080) but don't
judge Me because I'm self-obsessed and evil. Just judge my millions.
Meanwhile, back in reality, LostBrain has good news:
1) We're about to launch a flash game
where you can shoot, mallet or stun-gun that "Can You Hear Me
Now?" guy. Sure it's an easy gag, but damnit, we need hits, and
easy gags bring tons and tons of hits. Just ask CNN.
Or this guy
2) LostBrain got a mention on Howard Stern. Okay, so maybe you
get mentioned on Howard Stern all the time so it's not a big deal
for you, but for us this is a Bonanza! Cue the music!
Dah-da-dah-da-dah-da BONANZA! Dah-da-dah-da-dah-da DAH da dah
da DAH!
Apparently, Howard (we're on a first name basis now) was reading
an article from the Onion, when Gary Dellabonte (Howard's producer)
walks into the studio and says, "You know, another site that I
read a lot that's very funny is LostBrain."
And Howard said, "Yeah, that is a funny site." And then they started
talking about other things! But we were the brief interlude between
a more important subject! Exclamation mark excitement!
So now Eric is busy trying to call in to get on the show (at
least I hope he's doing that). He wrote a poem awhile back called
"Richard Gere's Ass Zoo" (Eric's a modern day Longfellow) but
it's a funny little piece that's perfect for the audience because
it contains several references to flatulence. It's going to be
difficult, but if we do get on the show get ready for even more
exclamation mark excitement! And more of this:
Dah-da-dah-da-dah-da BONANZA! Dah-da-dah-da-dah-da DAH da dah
da DAH!
In peace let us pray to the lord,
Brandon
From: Cheryl Solimini
Sent: Monday, April 29, 2002 11:45 AM
To: Brandon Stahl
Subject: Re: Me, Too
I do get mentioned on Howard Stern all the time. Whenever he
uses the word "the," it's an "inside" reference to me. (I also
see codes for terrorist activities in Family Circle magazine chicken
recipes.)
A friend of mine who writes "relationship" books (a truly amazing
career success since she has never actually sustained a relationship)
has been a guest on the show and has a standing offer to have
sex with Benjy the intern. (I wish I were kidding about this,
especially as she seems to be flattered.) She tells me she'll
use her influence for me if I ever write another humor book. Maybe
I can cash in that chip if Eric can't get on the show through
the usual channels (kickbacks, blowjobs and immense talent). And
if a nice set of breasts will get him on, I've got 'em! In fact,
TWO sets! In their original wrappings!
But really, congratulations! If Howard Stern knows about LostBrain,
can Larry King be far behind? And (and this is where I really
earn my copyediting stripes) if you ever write a thank you note
to Gary, it's Dell'Abate.
P.S. Thanks for the redneck neighbor site. If I'd known that
was all it took to get noticed, I could be blogging about my 75-year-old,
5-foot-tall Polish neighbor who I caught with a chainsaw cutting
down two 150-foot maples on my property. He claimed that they
would create shade on his proposed vegetable garden and I claimed
that the Virgin Mary statue on his front lawn was going to come
to life and cut him down in his sleep. We're still negotiating
a settlement.
From: Brandon Stahl
Sent: Monday, April 29, 2002 1:15 PM
To: 'Cheryl Solimini'
Subject: RE: Your breasts
I don't want you to cash in that kind of chip on account of
LostBrain. Though having you bare your breasts for our gain is
appealing, we are, after all, a band of losers, and I'm sure you
have better reasons for taking off your top, such as starring
in the next video edition of "Magazine Writers Gone Wild!"
I called Gary Dell'ABATE's (thank you, thank you) phonemail number,
and to my surprise a person picked up. It wasn't Dell'ABATE (just
trying to get this down) but his personal assistant said that
she would relay the message to Mr. Dell'Abate that a site called
LostBrain.com wishes to read the poem "Richard Gere's Ass Zoo"
tomorrow morning on the show. Thus far, I haven't heard back from
Mr. Dell'Abate, but my fingers are crossed. And animals have been
sacrificed.
From: Cheryl Solimini
Sent: Monday, April 29, 2002 1:54 PM
To: Brandon Stahl Subject:
Re: My Breasts
I will keep my fingers crossed! (Speaking of sacrificed animals,
hey, I don't recall offering to bare my breasts, only bear them.
And since they haven't yet shed their winter coat, bear is really
closer to the truth.)
From: Brandon Stahl
Sent: Monday, April 29, 2002 3:25 PM
To: 'Cheryl Solimini' Subject:
RE: Of Bears and Boobs
I'm not even sure I understand your last joke (long, long day
living life in worker bee land, so I don't understand much of
anything at this point) but you said: "And if a nice set of breasts
will get him on, I've got 'em! In fact, TWO sets! In their original
wrappings!"
When I read that, my brain told me: "Cheryl is willing to flash
her breasts to get us on the Howard Stern show. Remember to send
Cheryl a Christmas card for this kind gesture."
My brain proceeded to tell me that the feds and the NYTimes were
both out to get me. It's amazing how similar I am to John Nash,
minus the genius stuff.
From: Cheryl Solimini
Sent: Monday, April 29, 2002 4:00 PM
To: Brandon Stahl
Subject: RE: Of Bears and Boobs
Ah, I see the mix-up. The "original wrappings" part. I was thinking
"the unopened box they came in" and you were thinking "naked."
Obviously, it didn't disturb you to think I might have FOUR breasts
("two sets"). But I guess we have different ideas of what constitutes
"creepy."
As for the last joke, well, I live in the woods and many local
mammals, like bears, grow thicker fur for the winter, and shed
the extra hair in the spring. I count myself among them. Perhaps
if you tuned in to Animal Planet more often, or I made a joke
that could be understood by people not living in the woods, this
would never had happened. I hope we can get past this.
But I still expect a Christmas card.
From: Brandon Stahl
Date: Tue, 30 Apr 2002 08:32:37 -0500
To: Cheryl Solimini
Subject: RE: What Men Do
See, once I read the phrase nice set of breasts in that sentence
I conveniently ignored the rest. Sorry, but, you know, I am a
man. A straight one. What did you expect my brain to do? Contemplate
chaos theory?
And sorry for not understanding the bear joke, but I'm a native
southern Californian, and we don't often run into bear humor.
And when we do we don't know how to handle it. We just freak out
and think of breasts.
When I was dating my wife I went up to visit her at her parents
cabin in Minnesota. They're surrounded by 40 acres of woods and
bugs, so when we went out for a walk she warned me, "Just don't
get too far behind me. There are bears crawling through these
woods." I freaked out, wondering if we shouldn't keep a shotgun
close by. "Should we even be walking out here?" She of course
was rolling on the ground laughing at me by this point. But the
joke was on her: three years later we got married.
Were you serious about publishing these emails? I've read back
on a few of them and they're actually quite funny. We could be
our own little breakfast table, minus Joe Klein.
From: Cheryl Solimini
Sent: Tuesday, April 30, 2002 11:00 AM
To: Brandon Stahl
Subject: Re: Go Bears
Apology for your Y chromosome accepted. Now, if you could only
admit that you did put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop, then
we could all go home.
Since you took me seriously, of course I'm serious about publishing
the Emails. It seems easier that coming up with a brilliant comic
premise and taking to its hilarious conclusion-a gift I'm pretty
sure I don't have. I like the Breakfast Table idea, minus Joe
Klein, as long as it is also minus any need for geopolitical,
literary or culinary insight on my part. However, I'm more than
willing to share fun family stories, like science writer Natalie
Angier did last week about her father: "He died 25 years ago this
week of a melanoma that he watched growing on his torso for many
months before he finally had it surgically removed. Too late:
It had spread to his brain." As it happens, my father died 31
years ago today of hepatitis-induced heart failure, so I'm sure
I can do a really inappropriate riff on that to make readers so
uncomfortable they won't be able to finish their cappuccinos.
I also like the idea that you are bound by law to a woman who
finds the thought of her mate-to-be being mauled by a bear an
occasion for rollicking laughter. There aren't too many of us
gals left who enjoy such a good joke.
Cheryl
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