The Final Solution!

Introducing Dr. Phil's most gripping weight loss book yet:

Dr. Phil hates fat so much, he hopes to be rid of it forever. He calls his new plan "The Final Solution."

It includes his seven fat extermination keys:

1) Get people to think your way. When something bad happens, blame it on fat. Your ailing grandmother succumbs to lung cancer? Fat killed her. A freak storm floods a town? Fat did the rain dance. A bomb you let off in a crowded marketplace kills 30? Fat's the culprit.

2) Now that you've made the country really angry with fat because you cut the brakes to a school bus killing 25 children, it's time to hold rallies and make wild proclamation like "The fat is taking money from us!" and "The fat is destroying this country" and also "it's absolute stupid to have sex with fat people!" Say it loud, with authority and a hint of craziness. That gets people to blindly follow you every time.

3) Inform fat that it is no longer allowed to live with non-fats. Round up fat, place in ghettos. Except KFC Extra Crispy Chicken. Der Fuhrer Phil likes sleeping with the Extra Crispy, ya!

4) Send fat to labor in your mines, your sweatshops and your bedrooms. Force fat to wear humiliating signs that says "if you eat me, you will end up looking like Drew Barrymore." When fat complains, yell at it, degrade it, make it feel bad about itself. Don't stop until you get tears, or sued.

5) Begin world domination: Inform rest of world that unless it also decides to exterminate fat, you will invade Katie Couric's vagina.

6) The final solution begins: it's time to work out by rounding up fat and putting it in camps, aka Oprah's Refridgerator.

7) Now that fat is eliminated, Der Fuhrer Phil wants you to know that you can finally lead a happy, prosperous life. If it weren't for those damned Jews.

- by Brandon Stahl