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Farking Do's and Don'ts
Want your site on Fark?
So do we. A link on the infamous linking site is guaranteed
at least 5,000 hits, five times more if your site features
fake breasts and you're Farked with a Boobies tag. And those
hits open your site to a whole new audience, translating
into glorious revenue, at least $15.00 through pop-up ads,
classifieds, personals and merchandise. As any dotcom operator
will tell you, $15 is a lot of money.
But even though the site puts up around 50 to 60 links
a day, getting Farked isn't as easy as it might seem. Drew
Curtis and his team only want the best material for their
audience to disparage. They linked to us once for this,
and though the message board sheep derided the article as
"not funny", "obvious humor" and "difficult
to masturbate to", it still provided our site with
nearly 6,000 hits and five sold personals. Proving once
again that people who spend their day posting on message
boards are cruel and lonely.
 But
after that success we submitted nearly every article on
our site for Farking, and we were ignored. We offered money,
drugs, sexual favors and still nothing. We loaded our pistols
and lit our torches, readying ourselves for an old fashioned
garroting', but fortunately we sobered up. We decided to
take a step back to see what gets linked and what doesn't,
in hopes of creating content that would be Farkable (It's
a testament to Fark's influence that they've spawned new
words—and yet a crushing blow for the English language.)
What we found probably won't surprise you, but we have included
a few clip photos of big-breasted women to keep you entertained.
Do: Write an article about Fark. And do take the
time to praise their genius. Like all people, they like
to read about themselves. They especially like to hear glowy,
gooey praise, such as "Fark Rocks" and "Fark
Rocks really, really hard." Also, take time to compliment
them on their rugged good looks. It only takes five or ten
seconds, but it works. And, as we understand it, it's true.
The proprietor of the site has been often been told that
he's quite handsome. So much so, we hear, that gay men find
it impossible not to stick their dicks in his ass.
Do: Find humor in death, caused by Jerry Springer
episodes, gruesome car crashes, or being crushed by a fat
person during intercourse. Remember, dying is hilarious
when stupid people are responsible for it.
Don't: Make insulting comments about Drew Curtis.
Without him, denizens of the Internet would have no idea
what links to click through and read. Worse, they wouldn't
know if something should be considered funny, stupid, asinine,
obvious, or naked.
Do: Create a website that rips-off Onion-based
humor. Examples: Satirewire,
Brokennewz,
Borowitz Report, CNN, etc. At least two or three of those
get Farked a day. And yes, we are incredibly jealous.
Don't: However, make those headlines on your Onion-based
website even the least bit funny. The message board sheep
won't have the chance to say "Not the least bit funny".
Nor can they boast that they could have done a better job
with a comedy site that, for some reason, they haven't yet
created. Oh, but they will, they promise. As soon as they
become funny.
Do: Write "Not safe for work" after your
link. Even if it's completely safe, the Total Farkers, eager
to masturbate, will hungrily click on your link, ensuring
your site the hit count you need.
Don't: Worry about tricking them. Even if you've
linked to the complete works of Stephen Jay Gould, the Total
Farkers will masturbate to it.
Do: Change your last name to Wheaton or Walken,
so that even your most mundane writings--your shopping list
or journal of bowel movements--gets Farked. Failing that,
stalk them, which most Farkers seem to have done once or
twice in their lifetimes, although few managing to successfully
lay naked outside their bushes without being noticed.
Don't: Piss off either of them. Walken, because
the man looks clinically insane, and Wheaton, because he
looks scarier than Walken. And you'll have to deal with
each celeb's legions of nerd fans, who will undoubtedly
spittle you to death.
Do: Own and operate a Florida newspaper. As one
message board sheep succinctly put it: "Without Florida,
there would be no Fark."
Don't: Think that by paying $25 for a classified
ad Drew will give you free links in the future. We tried
and got terribly humiliated in the classified message boards
for our troubles. One sheep wrote: "Uh, I think they
amputated my funny bone", which had me reaching for
my Hari Kari blade. But, I delayed spilling my guts on the
kitchen linoleum in hopes that Drew would link to us in
the future. He hasn't yet. Inexplicably, he continues to
link to here.
Don't: Think that this article will be the one that
gets us that free link, making the knife look more and more
appealing.
Do: Take solice in the fact that if you purchase
a classified ad, your $25 will undoubtedly go to a good
cause. One particuular expense is the payment of legal fees
Drew will incur when companies realize that he's making
a lot of money off of the copyrighted photos that he puts
up for photoshopping. Of couse, that's a small price to
pay considering that the photoshops did spawn that infamous
kitten/mastrubation photo, which is the funniest graphic
in the history of the internet.
Don't: Try to claim that those copyrighted photos
are safe to use because you're protected by the fact that
you're creating a parody. When did you become a fucking
intellectual property lawyer?
Don't: Ever wonder aloud where Fark's photoshoppers
find the time to post their pictures on Drew's site while
simultaneously getting paid to, you know, work.
 Do:
Know that if the photoshoppers are working on their pictures
off of company time, they're probably missing out on a lot
of basic necessities. Such as human contact.
Don't: Know if my inbox can withstand the hate mail
I'm going to get for this. But if you do send in your complaints,
it's cliché to copy the do's and don'ts format I've
used here. But I have a feeling that that won't stop you.
So send 'em on in.
Do: Realize that I'm sitting on my kitchen linoleum,
knife sharpened, waiting.
Don't: Forget that it's not suicide, it's Fark.
- Brandon
Stahl
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