Divided We Stand

With the war now imminent, Americans say they are still divided as to President Bush's decision. That's according to a recent telephone poll of 1,299 adults:

1: Is it right for the U.S. to use military force to remove Saddam Hussein from power in Iraq?

54%: Yes
38%: No
8%: Unsure

2. If your answer was yes, do you support a ground war with Iraq?

68%: No
32%: Yes, so long as it's a ground war conducted in the air.

3: Okay then, would you have supported a ground war if the U.N. had backed it up?

58%: Yes
29%: No
17%: What is this "U.N." that you speak of?

4: If the U.N. inspectors had found weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, should we have gone to war with them then?

64%: Who, Iraq?
28%: Or the U.N. weapons inspectors?
5%: Seriously, what's the U.N.? Should I be worried? Are we in danger from it?

5: Do you think Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction?
86%: Yes
14%: No

6: To the 14% that said no, are you a complete retard or what?
63%: Yes
16%: No
8%: I'm not gonna ask again, what is the U.N.? Are they the reason I went out and bought a garage full of duct tape?

7: Okay, to the people that said no to questions 1,2 and 3, say the inspectors found weapons of mass destruction and Iraq admitted that they're pointed straight at the U.S. and the U.N. said "Yeah, let's go to war with Iraq" and Iraq even sweetened the deal by admitting that they gas children and puppies, then, for the love of god, would you support a war with Iraq?

84%: Is this a trick question?
12%: What breed of puppy?
4%: Undecided

8. To the people that support war, can you locate Iraq on a map?

95%: Pass
3%: It's up there, isn't it? (points to Vermont)
2%: Undecided

9. Right now, who's the greatest threat to the U.S.?

26%: Osama Bin Laden
21%: Iraq
18%: North Korea
14%: A Bid Laden/Iraq/North Korea radioactive mutant monster.
10%: The "U.N." and their weapons of mass destruction.

10. As we prepare to enter into a devastating war where surely many of our soldiers will die along with thousands of innocent Iraqi citizens, you are:

32%: Surfing for Internet porn
29%: Catching up on MTV's Real World/Road Rules Challenge
22%: "Suffering" by laying in a tanning bed
10%: Building up for a possible war with the U.N.

- by Brandon Stahl