Me So Sleepy

Potter: Magically keeping critics awake at night

With no advance copy and only two days to read a near 900 page book, many of the book critics that reviewed the new Harry Potter novel turned in some strange copy to their editors, including this:

"Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix is the fifth installment of the wildly-popular children's book. Harry, as you may recall, is a wizard. And in this book, he still continues to be a wizard, all the way up to page 689."
--San Francisco Examiner

"Ultimately, the new Potter should wildly entertain children. Specifically pages 1-293, 456-598 and 704 through the end. I had heard that a major character dies, but let me be the first to tell you that this apparently does not happen."
--Time Magazine

"While I was disapointed in the new Harry Potter, which to me is too shallow a tale of teenage adolescense, I am quite happy with my newfound speed addiction, developed as I tried to rush to meet this impossible deadline. Among the other things I'm happy with: my desk has started flying, and, after carving away the space, my toothbrush now fits securely inside my ass."
--Chicago Tribune

"Wait, could you back about the part about Harry flying on a broom stick! Whoa, that is so insane."
-High Times

"Honestly, is this nececssary? Is there anyone out there whose decision to buy this book will be based on my review? Do you realize that I've missed my son's birthday party just so I could read another damned chapter about a Quiditch match? My wife is threatening a divorce, and I tell her "honey, as soon as I read about Harry and Ron getting in trouble with Professor Snape for the 1,000 freaking time I'll talk to you again.'
-Washington Post

"When you want to stay awake, screw the coffee, the meth, the speed or any other kind of drug, and just start cutting yourself. That's what I did, starting from the base of my arm and moving on to my neck. From there, I decided that my chest and back needed and work, and eventually I looked like Spiderman. However, my attempts to scale the walls of my cramped apartment failed, and when I thought my spidey-sense was tingling, it was actually blood dripping out of my ears. I think I'm okay now--at least I'm out of Intensive Care, and the doctors say its only a matter of time before my super strength returns.

Oh yeah, the Potter book was great."
-Newsweek

-Brandon Stahl