Because your privates are our interest

Why Does LostBrain.com Care So Much About My Privacy?
Because LostBrain.com knows that you care how information about you is used and shared, and we appreciate your trust that we will do so carefully and responsibly. Much in the same way that a kind human being would adopt a stranded litter of deformed kittens, the kind employees of LostBrain.com have adopted the following privacy policy, which has been authored by our family-loving lawyers and approved by the god-fearing publisher of this site.

What kind of personal information does LostBrain.com gather about me?
The information we collect is used to improve the content of our Web page, and, more specifically, match our content with your interests and titillations. For example, if we discover that you're amused by pictures of midgets humping, we will promptly increase the rate of those pictures appearing on our site, thereby increasing the activity in the pleasure centers of your brain and groinal regions.

But in order for us to learn the specific amount of pleasure you find from fornicating midgets, our server first must collect a few simple pieces of information about you. The server starts by automatically compiling your web host's domain name and e-mail address each time you visit the site, and then collects the information of all of the other users using that same server.

But don't worry, our technology doesn't stop there. The more time you spend browsing LostBrain.com, the more time our robots have to collect other data about you. Information such as your age, phone number, gender, spending habits, friends, enemies, residences, employment, citizenship, criminal records, sexual preferences and whether or not you've harbored fantasies about shooting a celebrity are promptly collected and stored in our database.

Why do you collect those things? that's very personal!
Because the information contained in our database is extraordinarily profitable, and we have several marketing companies, multi-national conglomerates and general, everyday people just like you demanding to buy this information.

My God, where is this database? Who has access to it?
This database is located on a Manhattan street corner alongside several newspaper vending machines. Any person with 50 cents or a wire hanger can purchase or steal this information.

But I DO NOT want people to have access to my personal information!
We understand your concern. Unfortunately, we simply do not care. We're making a lot of money off of you at this particular moment--just by having you read this page--and we're not about to start throwing it away because of your pitiful whines. Just get used to us knowing that you enjoy doing some very filthy things, such as reading erotic stories about fat people.

But if it makes you feel any better, we do have a deal in place with AOL-Time Warner where they will gladly send you a CD containing over 500 free hours of their service.

Can I stop your from collecting this information?
Fortunately, no. We use cookies, which you may have read about in Wired magazine in one of 500 articles they've published on the subject over the past five years. According to the magazine, cookies were invented by famed physicist Stephen Hawking. Overwhelmed with the urge to peep on women across the world, Hawking created cookies to help feed his insatiable sexual appetite. Unfortunately, he found that reading the information and at the same time using his joystick to pleasure himself was simply not logistically possible. He thus sold the technology to Egyptians, who made billions by spreading it around the world. Hawking, now penniless and destitute, was last seen imitating a showerhead.

What Other Greedy Companies Do Your Sell My Stolen Information To?
Whoa, whoa. First off, we prefer to use the term "share" rather than sell, and we "share" your information to several very friendly organizations:

• Al Queda. Surprisingly, they're extremely interested in knowing the exact whereabouts of our audience. If, however, you would rather they not have your personal information, they will gladly meet with you in an abandoned warehouse in India to hand over the data. They warn, however, that if you bring along any friends or alert the media of your planned rendevous that the meeting is off and that your family will be slaughtered. Just a heads up.
o National Right To Life. Though they're only interested in your information if you're a physician that performs abortions.
• Telemarketers. But don't fear, because these aren't your typical telemarketers that will call and bother you until you're stricken with so much rage that you'll burn down your local high school. The firms that contract with LostBrain.com have promised us that if they are rebuked the first time they offer to sell you insurance or credit cards, that they will simply take your name off the calling list and never contact you again. Instead, they will just commit mass suicide by ingesting cyanide caplets, all because you don't want to buy their services. How's that make you feel, you heartless, insensitive prick?
• The President of Mississippi's KKK Chapter. Although he only wants this data if you're Oprah Winfrey, and plan on visiting South Carolina in the next few weeks (which she will be!)
• Dateline NBC. Our servers can find out if you have an astounding, sensationalistic, heart wrenching story to tell the world. And Dateline wants to pay us to tell it.

If you're profiting so much off our marketing data, can we share in the profits?
Thought you'd never ask. Just send us an email and we'll talk about the figures. But because we get a lot of email on various topics, address your concern to "that fat gay son of a bitch", so we'll know what subject you're referring to

I don't agree to this privacy policy. What can I do?
By visiting LostBrain.com, you are accepting the practices described in this Privacy Notice.

In other words, I accept your privacy policy just by reading about it?
Correct.

-Brandon Stahl