We've realized recently (in the last two years) that more people read Modernhumorist and The Onion than LostBrain. Our response: Fucking why?! Your response: Fucking why not?! Our response to your response is the top nine reasons why our humor dick is longer (and thicker, ladies) than theirs:

9) Because we update our site once every eight months whether we want to or not. That's right. We update approximately 1 1/2 times a year. Now, when we say "update," we don't mean the whole home page or anything. Update here really means any kind of change at all, like, say, a font, or correcting a misspelled word, or writing the phrase, "Coming soon: LostBrain update!"

8) Because we won't have our site's focus be lost by doing books. Why, you know anyone who would publish a LostBrain book? Would they give us an advance? A really big advance? Would it bother them that we owe $12,000 to drug dealers who say they are gonna cut our testicles and send them to our wives and girlfriends unless we deliver their "billetes" by Wednesday?

7) Because we LostBrain won't shamelessly LostBrain post meta tags to LostBrain get a high jockeying position LostBrain when you LostBrain type in "humor" LostBrain into Google.

6) Because we don't worship Satan. Now we're not saying those other sites do, but doesn't it disturb you that they've never come right out and said, "We, The Onion and Modernhumorist, do not worship Satan?" I mean, why would they fail to make that important anti-Lucipher statement? Why do you hear Slayer playing in both their offices whenever you deliver them a pizza when in secret you are really trying to find evidence that they, in fact, worship the Prince of Darkness? And why has Slayer taken so long to come out with a new album? Why have they scaled back their touring? What does a Jewish brotha got to do to get a little Slayer love 'round here?

5) Because both the Onion and Modernhumorist staff would eat you first if you were in a plane crash with them that left all of you stuck in the Andes Mountains. They told us you're so fat they'd all be able to stay alive for weeks on your thighs alone. Don't you wonder why they keep taking you on their trips with them? Think about it, they never invite you over to their house yet anything that involves a plane and you're the first one they call. Sorry, dude, I know it hurts.

4) Because we're a non-profit organization so you can trust our impartialness. It's true, we've never made a fucking dime off this. Yes, it's also true no one has ever offered us a dime off this. Yes, it's also true we've tried countless times to make a dime off this and come up empty every goddamn attempt. Yes, it's also true that you can't really trust us for impartialness because we clearly hate Republicans.

3) Because three guys wrote 90% of everything that has appeared in LostBrain since Day One. Yes, our site has not always been funny, but neither has theirs. Difference is, both The Onion and Modernhumorist have not been funny with quadrillion times the staff (quadrillion is anywhere from the numbers 4 to 14).

2) We'd work for The Onion and Modernhumorist in a second if offered a job. We'll take back everything we've just said here easily to be on their payroll fulltime. We're spineless. We'll pretend as if there was never a site called LostBrain, we'll pretend you were never our friends, we'll quietly sit at the "Cool Kids" table and laugh at you for your "only-comes-halfway-down-your-calf" jeans, yelling, "Where's the flood, dorkus?"

1) We can write a humor piece that actually doesn't include the present threats of violence all around us. And, by the way, Onion and MH, the Taliban prefers to be called "comfort-dissipaters," not terrorists. Show some respect to the senseless murderers!

We will humbly await your response to our response to your response.

-Eric Butterman