|
Declaring our Independence
For many Americans, the Fourth of July means celebrating
our independence in an orgy of cheap beer, seared animal
flesh and foreign-made pyrotechnics.
This year is the 227th anniversary of our revolt against
British rule, but we shouldn't rehash our grievances against
King George III too much, given that the Brits are among
our few true friends in the world today.
Instead, we should mark Independence Day by declaring the
modern-day tyrannies we wish to be free from:
• McDonald's French fries and other salty temptations
• J. K. Rowling and her mass-marketing witchcraft
• Spam e-mail (except those with Viagra discounts)
• Microsoft Word's oppressive spell-check program
• That equine-faced Atilla in a miniskirt, Ann Coulter
• Jock itch and yeast infections
• Nightmares about Justice Scalia peering into your
bedroom
• Mosquitoes and other creatures of mass destruction
• The siege of Laci Peterson coverage on cable news
• Men under 50 who routinely wear bowties
• Fiscal responsibility
• Ring around the collar
• Telemarketers who only call when you're in the
bathroom
• Those busybodies at the U.N.
• Having to wait for another round of tax cuts
• Top 40 radio stations
• Traffic-light cameras and other instruments of
oppression
• Nonstop media coverage of King George III's descendants.
For God's sake,
didn't we win that war?
- Ted Allen
Tell your friends about this page
|
