|
Jenny's Love Advice
16-year-old Jenny Graten, a sophmore at Centralville High School in Anderson,
IN, is here to help you with your love connection questions. Gotta a love question
for Jenny? Write to lostbrain@lostbrain.com,
attn: Jenny's Love Advice.
Hi everybody! I'm so, so excited about being the new columnist for LostBrain.
Last week, my dad and I, we were sitting down at the computer working on my math
homework, and he asked me if I had a boyfriend, and I was all, "Shutup!"
My dad is such a nose.
My friend Allison, she was this finalist to be in that issue of Rolling
Stone with all those high school girls, but she didn't get it because she
has a big fat nose (don't tell her I said that, though. She'd be crushed. She
almost committed suicide last week over that nose). Allison is soooo jealous that
I've got this column. She said I probably bj'd somebody to get it. NUH UH!
Let's get to your questions:
Dear Jenny,
I'm a 25-year-old man, very attracted to 16-year-old girls. I went out one time
with her and had a really good time, but I don't think she even knew what I wanted.
What should I do?
- I Want Jailbait!
That is so sad. I knew this guy, he was like 25 or something, and he said
he would only date girls in high school 'cause they were more mature and more
fun! One time, he said, "Jenny, you want to go see my comic book store?"
And I said sure.
So, we were driving around and all and he asks if I wants to go to his apartment,
but then I said, "I've gotta go home and study for awhile." And then
the radio station played NSync. He tried to change the channel, but I said, "No
Way!" 'cause I do like some of their songs. They're not all bad, you know.
Anyway, just ask her if she's attracted to you, or something. You're an older
guy, not some lanky high school reject. You have a shot at getting a date with
her.
Hey Jenny,
I don't think my girlfriend finds me attractive anymore because I've put on a
lot of weight, what should I do? She hasn't had sex with me in the past three
months.
- Not getting any
Eeeew. That is so gross. You're fat and you expect to have sex? Yuck! Lose
some weight, gargantuon! (That was so funny! Come on! I made that up!)
Dear Jenny,
I'd really like to go to the prom with you. I won't touch you or nothin'. We could
watch "Scream" afterwards.
- Kyle Longman
(Watch how I handle this)
Uh, Kyle, look I think you're a really nice guy and all, but I think we should
just be friends. You have much more in common with Lisa Doyle, why don't you ask
her?
(Guys, Kyle, he's such a geek. He sits behind me in our algebra class, and
I turned around and he was picking his nose! Gross! But I know he likes me. He's
always trying to look down my shirt, or something. So, I was just trying to be
nice to him, 'cause I've got this crush on Winston Greiling. He's a running back
on the football team *drool*. He's dating Cindy Vala, but she's such a skank.
She'd do it with anybody on the football team, even that foreign exchange student
from India. Dude, speak the language, compadre!)
Dear Jenny,
I'm really worried I'm pregnant. What should I do?
- Kate Greiling
Oh my god! I knew you were pregnant! It was just by the way you were acting,
and the way you wouldn't let Phil touch you anymore (he's such a horndog, though).
It's called a condom, Kate. Even though you two are bumpin' in Mr. Grears office
during band practice (come on, everybody knew). I mean, condom?
Hello!
Don't worry though, I won't tell anyone that you're preggers. That just sucks.
What did your parents say? Were they understanding about it? Are they gonna let
you do your homework from home? I wouldn't tell Mr. Biggs, though, he'd just make
fun of you during history class.
Speaking of history class, what did you think of that that last quiz?! It
was SO hard.
Dear Jenny,
How do you know if you're gay or not?
- Curious
Do you think I should try out for the cheerleading squad? With babysitting
and all, I'm just not sure I have the time. Amanda says that she's been asked
out a lot more times since she became a cheerleader, but she also broke her fibia
(whatever!) during a pyramid that went bad. That's awesome, a pyramid gone bad.
LostBrain should do an article about that. "A Cheerleading Pyramid Went Bad
Today at Centralville High School in Anderson, IN, as Hundreds of WOMYN Broke
Their Fibias."
I mean, what good does it do her to go out on dates when she can't walk for
the next six weeks? Ronnie says he would have gone out with her if she could walk.
Then he imitated her on crutches. He can be so mean sometimes.
Oh, what was you're question? Dude, you're gay? I don't think I've ever known
anyone who's been gay. I know no one is gay at Centralville, except maybe Eric
Stroud, and he's just a dork, gay or no gay (another awesome headline!).
I know my brother is gay, even though he's seven. He keeps hitting me with
pillows and stealing my allowance money. What a dork!
-Jenny Graten
|
