Beyond a Shadow Government of a Doubt

The United States Government has admitted recently that there is a "Shadow Government" operating in case a terrorist group manages to bomb, anthrax (a new verb I am coining here) or otherwise incapacitate the current, nearly elected government of the United States.

First of all the current government wasn't REALLY elected anyway. I live in Florida right now and did during the election. I still have boxes and boxes of Al Gore ballots in my crawl space (all Floridians do).

Nonetheless, some namby-pamby LIBERALS find it scary that an unelected "Star Chamber" living underground like the blind irradiated mole people from "Battle for the Planet of the Apes" could wind up running the country.

To this I say "Poppycock."

From what I recall those mole people did a damned good job maintaining the nuclear weapons. And if it hadn't been for Roddy McDowell they would have kicked some serious ape-ass (Roddy killed the general--Claude Akins--and you know what a dead leader does to the will of a modern ape-army).

I am not concerned about the Mole-men Shadow Government. I am concerned about someone wiping out the Shadow Government as a prelude to wiping out the real "sort of elected" government. I think this clearly calls for a vast expenditure of funds to build facilities for a Shadow, Shadow Government.

These new facilities should be in Camden, New Jersey or perhaps Detroit. Terrorists would NEVER bother to attack those shitholes. Even if they did explode a nuclear device in those cities who would notice? It would just irradiate all the empty boarded up buildings and toss piles of discarded garbage from one side of the city to another.

This Shadow, Shadow Government, living amidst the squalor of Detroit, wouldn't have anything to DO you say?

What the hell is the Shadow Government doing? Probably playing video games on the NORAD computers. Or for that matter what is the REAL government doing most of the time?

But in the time honored tradition of public employment we can come up with some "busy work" for these shadows and shadows of shadows while they are waiting for the governmental structure above them to be annihilated. They could, for instance, do my taxes. Perhaps they could get the brain trust together and figure out how, in the name of everything HOLY, the New England Patriots managed to win the Super Bowl? Hell they might even find out why we castigate Iran. Iran, who HATED Al Queda and the Taliban. Instead, we're kissing the asses of the Pakistani government who supported (and by some accounts still support) the terrorists. That is, of course, a lot to ask from second and third-tier government functionaries.

And then there is the problem of local and state government. What if someone decided to wipe out local or state government? There should be shadow local and shadow state governments as well. In Florida we already have a Shadow government. They're called the lobbyists for the citrus and sugar industries.

But what about other less fortunate states and municipalities? What the hell would Minnesota do without Governor Jesse Vent....oh wait bad example.

What about Wisconsin? What would they do without Governor Scott McCallum? Who would call reporters who ask the same question over and over hoping for a different answer "dumb sons of bitches?" Maybe we could clone Harry Truman for Wisconsin. He used to call people dumb sons of bitches all the time.

The cloning process is not viable yet? We could stick to medical procedures we know. Hell, we could take a cue from the Planet of the Apes and lobotomize Charlton Heston. What would this solve? Not sure but he'd still probably qualify to run California after the operation. Callifornia would need him in the event someone got to Gray Davis (before the Republicans do, that is). Hell at least he could stand in for Jerry Brown in Oakland.

This is such a good I idea I am thinking of even getting a "Shadow Me" to replace myself should terrorists take me out. I need to find someone who can scribble inanities all day and drink a lot of beer.

-Patrick Ogle