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 Recording
Industry
Association of America
Dear P2P Filing Sharing Participant,
Greetings.
This a friendly notice (subpoena) from
the Recording Industry of America to let you know
that we will be pressing charges against you for illegally
trading our property online.
That’s right. Put down the Red
Bull, scream “Holyshitmotherfucker!” as
one long, unintelligible word and start saving your
summer job wages, because we’re coming to collect.
Of course, we realize that after receiving
this letter, you may have doubts about the lengths
of our penises. Our act of sending out more than 900
subpoenas could be interpreted by some therapitsts
to be an effort to shore up our waning masculinity—a
litigious “beating of the chest,” if you
will.
This is not true. For the record, we’re
very wealthy. Though many of us were not endowed at
birth with a massive and throbbing manhood, we have
been able to augment our pantspackers through the
use of highly experimental and expensive plastic surgery.
However, for some recording industry
executives (most of us) the sheer “lack of material
to work with” can prohibit such a surgery. For
these individuals we have hired David Copperfield
to produce elaborate visual illusions, which cause
the average tiny record executive penis to appear
nearly as large as Laurence Fishburne. (Not his penis,
but the actor himself.)
Using a patented combination of mirrors,
a fog machine, and two Hebrew National Brand Ballpark
Beef Franks, Mr. Copperfield is able to give the average
recording industry executive the illusion of 2-3 more
meters in length, and 1/2 meter in added girth—a
quite remarkable achievement capable of impressing
the most skeptical Los Angles prostitute, or even
Elizabeth Hurley.
These illusions are portable and designed
to fold into briefcase-sized enclosures which are
easily carried from one sexual encounter to another.
They even fit in an overhead luggage rack for handy
availability on cross-country flights, or into the
tiny trunks of our Porche Boxters.
Of course, this technology is not inexpensive.
And so, we’re asking you to pay up for all the
music you’ve been stealing.
Sincerely,
The
RIAA
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