| Throw
Out the Anchor
LostBrain’s Guide to a Few of the War Anchors,
Pundits, and Correspondents:
|
Walter Rodgers - Embedded
CNN Correspondent with the 7th Calvary
Rodgers is the kind of journalist who eats other war
correspondents for breakfast, and later that afternoon
shits them out as Geraldo. Riding in a “thin skinned”
hummer lined with mere sandbags as armor, Rodger’s
videophone sends back chilling images of screaming rocket-propelled
grenades and Bradley tanks aerating the Iraqi countryside
with their 25mm machine guns. Too bad his coverage is
so obviously tainted by the fact that he’s required
to report on the same 25 guys who are standing between
him and 200 gurellia fighters with kalashnikovs. |
|
Ted Koppel - Veteran
reporter who belongs in the studio, not in Iraq
Reporting for Nightline, Koppel’s vignettes highlight
the human side of the war. The only problem is that
the nature of his coverage makes the military’s
control of information far too apparent. In one report,
Koppel was led around the scene of a foiled Iraqi ambush
by the area’s commanding officer like a toddler
with his mum on an Easter egg hunt. |
 |
Christiane Amanpour -
CNN’s reigning Diva War Correspondent
Stuck reporting from London or Kuwait City or Southern
Iraq or wherever the hell she is, Amanpour is too cooped
up to provide the kind of coverage she excelled at in
the previous Gulf War. Why isn’t she in Baghdad?
Also, With the scarf and funny outfit, Amanpour is beginning
to take on the visage of Snoopy when he dresses up like
the red baron. |
|
Thomas Friedman - New
York Times Columnist-Specialist on Globalization
Mentioning Friedman without bringing up the fact that
he's won a Pulitzer Prize is apparently outlawed by
the Warsaw Convention on war crimes. It’s a good
thing too—he needs the credibility. On a battlefield,
this guy wouldn’t know a MOAB from a hole in the
ground. He’s also got this annoying tendency to
lean into the camera, as if he wants to crawl into your
living room and shoot globalization rainbows out of
his eyebrows. Freak. |
|
Aaron Brown - CNN’s
Lead Anchor of "Newsnight"
Aaron Brown’s slow motion nervous breakdown makes
for some fun TV watchin! This guy’s ego is so
huge that he thinks this war is being fought so he can
add it to his resume. Still, he’s one of the best
anchors providing commentary, because by his side he’s
got: |
|
General Wesley Clark
- Former Supreme Allied Commander of NATO, Bad
Ass Motherfucker
General Clark’s commentary has been invaluable
for CNN. He’s one of the few generals on the
air who can speak to the fighting men on their own
terms. He’s got great hair too.
|
|
Gideon Yago -
MTV News Correspondent stationed in Kuwait City
Gideon Yago has reported for MTV on music and mayhem—on
topics ranging from the rebuilding of Afghanistan
to the rebuilding of the Foo Fighters. Right now he
should shut the fuck up. |
|
Daryn Kagan -
CNN's beautiful face stationed in Kuwait City
Kagan has basically one purpose on CNN: To find Kuwait's
daily English newspapers and to read the headlines
over the air. Sometimes she also points to the pictures
and describes them. However, she's slightly more interesting
than that...the tension between Aaron Brown and Kagan
whenever she reports can only mean one thing…he’s
sleeping with her. |
|
General Bernard Trainor
- Retired three-star General, Commentator for
MSNBC
I’m-not-read-ing-this-state-ment. Really-I’m-not-r-e-a-d-I-n-g
it.
|
|
Lou Dobbs - Host
of Moneyline, accused of being in bed with many of
the companies he covers.
See Gideon Yago
|
Travis
Daub
|
