Michael Jordan Wants to See Your Underwear

As a guy who last walked into a locker room when Bill Clinton was still in his first term, I'm probably not completely in touch with current towel-slapping, chest lathering, or stinky clothes-storage etiquette. So, the fact that I was a little thrown off by a recent commercial I saw for Hanes briefs could be because of my lack of knowledge of the locker room environment. Or, it could be because it's simply creepy to have Michael Jordan dictating to a group of men what kind of underpants they should be wearing.

Granted, Michael Jordan has the kind of reputation that is almost untarnishable. It's like those people who still marvel at Pete Rose's lifetime statistics. Sure the guy was a complete jerk who insulted the very sport that made him great, but he was also an awesome hitter. He still deserves his place in the hall, right? If Pete Rose can sell out all of Baseball for a few cheap bets and still save face, Michael Jordan could probably orchestrate a genocide and still retain the title "his Air-ness." Of course there's proof of this theory, he did star in Space Jam.

So if you haven't seen it, let me set the stage for this commercial. Four or five clean-cut guys are standing in the locker room, having a generally good time generating locker-room banter and modeling their underwear. Out of the corner of his eye one of the guys (we'll call him Guy1) spots Michael Jordan who has just walked in and sat on a bench across the room. After nudging his Adonis-like buddies, Guy1 makes eye contact with Jordan. Jordan shoots Guy1 a very disappointed look and then turns his eyes to Guy1's briefs. As Guy1 reels in embarrassment from Jordan's undergarment disapproval, he also notices MJ pulling a pair of red Hanes Briefs out of his gym bag. It seems Guy1 and his buddies' white briefs aren't up to Jordan's high standards.

Let me stop this drama right now and fill in a little bit more detail. By all accounts, the briefs that Guy1 and his friends are wearing are exactly the same as the briefs MJ pulls from his bag, only white instead of red. So, Guy1's briefs are not inferior to Michael's briefs in terms of construction, performance or function. Guy1's and Jordan's briefs contain the same elastic band, the same easy-access front, and the same 50% cotton, 50% polyester blend. One would assume that Guy1's fade-away jumpshot would not be adversely affected by his briefs, since they are nearly identical to the pair Jordan seems to prefer. So is Jordan's role in this commercial simply to act as a sort of underwear fashion police? It seems so.

In the next scene of the commercial, Jordan has returned to the locker room a week later to find his followers now sporting red briefs, just as he had instructed them before. However they're too late. The winds of underpants fashion are already blowing in a new direction. Jordan once again appears disappointed as he pulls a new polka-dotted pair from his bag. He leaves the locker room, admitting to the viewer, "At least they're Hanes."

So now I wonder, am I the only person in the world a little freaked out by the fact that Michael Jordan is now concerned about what color underpants I'm wearing? Hanes is even running a contest, where the winner has the opportunity to "meet Mike." Are we to assume MJ will greet the lucky winner with a peer down his pants?

My biggest fear about this whole thing is the example set by the Heaven's Gate cult. Remember those whackos who all committed suicide when the Hale-Bopp Comet arrived? Didn't their leader convince them all to wear some brand of black and white sneakers or something? What was that brand again?

- Travis Daub