BBC, Le Monde, The Guardian, The Independent, Bild and All Other Foreign Press Rumored to be Al-Queda Operatives
• Cruise missiles launched on Le Monde H.Q.

FLASH! Islamic Clerics to World: Christianity is the One True Faith!
• A Christian God will listen to your prayers, feed you, say Clerics

F-22 Raptor Ensures Air Superiority
• Rescues kitten from tree, helps grandma cross street

Benevolent President Bush Rescues Twenty Islamic Fundamentalists from Burning Mosque
• Peaceful, Muslim-loving Americans Powell, Cheney able to douse flames with bare hands

Usama Admits: Terrorism, Fatwah, Bad Ideas From the Get-Go
• Pleads with world's terrorists to reconsider their evil ways

Don't Believe Anything Reported During the February 26th Broadcast of Al Jazeera
• You should probably just ignore the Palestine News Agency for the entire week.

URGENT: Bush to Axis of Evil: Surrender Now, Get Free Color Television
• All will be forgiven, says gentle leader
• Iranians fill streets to demand HDTV decoder boxes too

REPORT: Camp X-Ray Overrun by Hot Babes
• Rumsfield: Terrorists needed to put a stop to their wild rampages
• Castro sends shipment of mojitos, soybeans to prisoners
• MTV plans "Spring Break at Guantanamo Bay 2002"

MULLAH OMAR: Contrary to Taliban Teachings, Sodomy is a Blast

BUSH WARNS: "Usama Will be Tortured With Screenings of 'Crossroads' "

SPECIAL REPORT: Usama Hiding Somewhere in India, Iraq, Iran, Saudi Arabia, the Congo, Madagascar, North Korea, China, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Kajikstan, Uzbeckistan, or in Stan Winston's basement
• Or he might be at Omaha, Nebraska Jiffy Lube

Troops having blast in Afghanistan
• Afghan villagers love you longtime

EDITORIAL: Ari Fleischer is a Swell Guy That You Should Stop Making Fun Of
• Jokes about his weight, baldness, body odor, inability to form complete sentence not appreciated, punishable

President's Page:
• Counting to five is hard

Rumsfield's Room:
• Listen, punk: To me you're nothin' but dogshit, you understand? And a lot of things can happen to dogshit. It can be scraped up with a shovel off the ground. It can dry up and blow away in the wind. Or it can be stepped on and squashed. So take my advice and be careful where the dog shits!

Cheney's Corner:
• I don't know who started the rumor, but I did not deflower Britney Spears. It was most likely that bald, smelly, luddite Fleischer.

Andrew Sullivan:
• Despite atrocious human rights violations, Bush is the bestest president in the history of the world

Former Secretary of Defense William Cohen:
• New Chinese Embassy in Belgrade much cooler than old one
• People who work there cooler than dead ones too

Pentagon Therapist on Dear Leader Kim Jong Il
• North Korea's "No Dong" Missiles actually unfortunate Freudian Slip
• Dear Leader's Silk PJ's may hide horrific deformity

U.N. SCIENTISTS: Bombs Dropped on Afghan Civilians Contained Chocolate Pudding, Not Explosives

Successful Test!
• National Missile Defense Shield incinerates $200 Billion, French figure skating judge

TERROR ALERT: Strikes Could Happen Anytime, Anyplace Without Warning
• In fact, terrorists could be planning to abduct you and your family right now. Would you want that to happen? Huh? Maybe you'll think twice then about reporting negative news about our government, punk

President Leaps Tall Building in Single Bound
• Will stop speeding bullet, Saddam next

Maureen Dowd is a Total Whore
• Get two drinks in her and she's yours, say officials

Don't Believe Anything You Read in the February 26th Edition of the New York Times
• Ignore the Wall Street Journal and the Washington Post, too

BREAKING: Paul Wolfowitz Finds Ass With Both Hands

Rumsfield's Hilarious Stand-Up Routine Delights Pentagon Press Corps • Standing ovation lasts 10 minutes, leads to encore, striptease

John Stewart and Craig Kilborn Built in Same Smarmy, Unoriginal Laboratory

Rosie Finally Comes Out:
• O'Donnell: I'm an annoying, gay bitch

War Against Drugs Offends Pharmacists

BROOKINGS INSTITUTION REPORT: Corrupt, insane, unorganized Northern Alliance warlords more docile after recieving shipment of surface-to-air missiles and light artillery from C.I.A.

BREAKING: VP Cheney Set to Run Boston Marathon From Undisclosed Location

Mike Tyson to be Dropped on Terrorists
• Application for boxing license rejected in Baghdad, Kandahar, Pyongyang, and Tehran

Invincible Superhuman Michael Jordan Set to Sign with Military
• Vows to pillage all Al Queda cells, win Marines Basketball Championship

Yankees Sign Jesus for 5 years, $150 million
• Son of God to play leftfield for Bronx Bombers

-With Reporting from Admiral Brandon Stahl, Lt. Col. Eric Butterman, Sgt. Patrick Ogle, and C.I.A. Spook Travis Daub