Utopia, even when you lose

1st Inning:
Greetings, my fellow citizens of the Waveland mosh pit! I look forward to serving as your leader for the next nine innings. Go Cubs!

[Mosh pit cheers]

Wanted to let you know some of the "rules" that we'll be living by. I say "rules" even though I don't really want to call them that. Here on Waveland, we're free! No parents, no one to tell us what we can and cannot do. That said, I think we should agree:

1) Not to hurt each other.
2) Not to become sort of religious or societal metaphor.
3) Not to crap on Wrigleyville lawns anymore.

[Mosh pit cheers]

Lets Go Whole New Utopia! Lets Go Cubs!

[Mosh pit cheers]

2nd Inning:
I know one of my campaign pledges is that I would deliver a television so that we could actually watch the game rather than stare at the big brick wall. I wanted to let you know the good news: I brought my television from home!

[Mosh pit cheers]

Now, don't get too excited, because unfortunately, I forgot to bring an extension cord. But don't panic: when they get to the World Series (Go Cubs!) I'll bring it!

[Mosh pit stares and grumbles]

Until then, I would advise to not trust the people in the bleachers to give you the score. I have it on good authority that several of the things they've been telling us have, in fact, been incorrect. For example: Ron Santo did not beat that Cubs fan with his prosthetic legs.

[Mosh pit boos]

3rd Inning:
I promised you all a surprise, and here it is: We're organizing a party of about 25 of us to go over and egg that Cubs fans apartment!

[Mosh pit cheers]

Please note: I still refuse to print the guy's name!

[Mosh pit boos]

Heck, I'm not even sure I have his correct address.
So we're just going to go around the Wrigley neighborhood and egg houses!

[Mosh pit cheers]

• But we might run out of eggs. We're running into a bit of a budget deficit right now, so I was only able to buy two cartons. Now, I could buy more eggs if we raise taxes. Just a thought.

[Mosh pit boos]

4th Inning:
I've just heard word that several of you plan to run against me in the upcoming election after I threatened to raise taxes.

[Mosh pit boos]

Now wait, I didn't say I was going raise taxes. Only I could, if you wanted more eggs.
Surprisingly, many of you said you wanted more eggs. But ask yourselves: if you want more eggs, but don't want to raise taxes, how do you propose I get those eggs?

[Mosh pit looks amongst themselves. One man raises his hand]

And no, eggs do not fall from the sky as my opponents have suggested.

5th Inning:
Several of you have been complaining about why I sent only 25 out to egg the Cubs fan's apartment. Simple: I just don't want to start an unruly mob with what's supposed to be a peaceful, non-violent utopia. Regardless, this didn’t stop an extra 20 of you from breaking that rule.

[Crowd cheers]

Yes, yes, this is why I made the difficult decision to make an example of those 20 by killing them.

[Mosh pit is stunned]

That said, I'm allowing another 25 of you to head over to the Lincoln Park Zoo to slaughter their goats.

[Mosh pit lightly claps]

But I had to kill the people who egged my car.

6th inning:
Several of you have wondered why I've decided to ban crowd surfing. To start: I thought it was clear: we built this utopian society on a rule of non-violence. Crowd surfing breaks that rule. It puts lives in danger. Especially when a crowd surfer spits in my face.
He died, by the way.

[Mosh pit trembles]

Hey, anyone know the score to the game?

7th Inning:
Listen, I'm for fair elections. I believe in a democracy here, people
But there is no need to hit me over the head with a conch.
We'll have an election tonight. Is that okay with you?

[Gets hit in head with conch]

Dammit. Someone kill that guy…..
….Good.
So here we go: all those in favor of voting for me, say Aye

[Faint murmur of Ayes]

All those in favor of voting for my opponent, say Aye.

[Cubs score a run, crowd cheers, Mosh Pit Joins in]

No wait! Wait! You were cheering for the Cubs not him! He's not your leader!

[Gets hit in head with conch]

8th Inning:
Now, I know many of you are wondering why I demanded a recount. But clearly, you weren't yelling for my opponent. And now that my opponent is dead, you clearly can't vote for him.
And I guess because there's no one else willing to run against me, we can't hold another election.
And by the way, just because the Cubs are losing, doesn't mean I can't stop killing you.

[Mosh pit trembles]

9th Inning:
I had such dreams for a utopian society. We had a chance to build something special here, an island unto ourselves where we could live free, love one another and be brothers. But you… you animals had to ruin it.

[Mosh pit starts to get mad]

I thought painting our faces and going to war with the Sheffield mosh pit was a great idea. I already killed 30 of them.
But fine, keep hitting me on the head with that damned fucking conch.

[takes fatal blow to the head with conch. Mosh pit chears. A new leader emerges]

Citizens of Waveland, I implore you: Can anyone please just tell me the fucking score to the game?