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| A Letter To the Atlanta Braves |
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To: John Scherholtz General Manager Atlanta Braves CC: Henry Aaron, Ted Turner, Jane Fonda, Bobby Cox and the "Fat Monkey" referred to by John Rocker From: RE: John Rocker Mr. Scherholtz, It has come to our attention that you are looking to trade your relief pitcher John Rocker. While he has a fastball that climbs into the mid-90s to go along with his trademark fiery competitive attitude and hatred of several ethnic races and diversities in America, we fully understand your desire to find him another employer. We imagine that it will be difficult to sell tickets to the Hispanic, Black, Asian, Indian, Homosexual, Religious, Canadian, Aztec, Austrian, Icelandic, Swedish, Unwed-French mother and Polish populations of the fair city of Atlanta. Putting up with the daily barrage of the press and protesters at your door, as well as KKK members petitioning to play shortstop, must be difficult. However, we realize that finding an organization to take him off your hands is going to be quite difficult. There seems to be a lack of professional baseball teams, let alone any place of employment, that would be willing to take on the spectacle that will follow John Rocker. We have heard rumors that you have contacted the Chicago White Sox and Cubs, the Montreal Expos, the Hoboken Chickens and the Lennox Heating and Plumbing company, and each has denied a trade. We offer a solution: After careful consideration, we have decided to pool our resources in the hopes that you will trade John Rocker to Lostbrain.com. We stayed up all night pooling our financial resources and have finally come up with what we feel is a fair deal: we have amassed thirty dollars, two packs of banana-flavored gum, a collection of Foreigner CDs, an old ironing board, three used pillows (with stains) and a video cassette of the classic film "Young Einstein." This, Mr. Scherholtz, is quite a bargain. We've seen these items collectively sold at yard sales and flee markets for at least 10 dollars (sans the extra thirty we're throwing in.) We urge you to consider the benefits of this deal. We believe both the Atlanta Braves and lostbrain.com will prosper substantially once the trade is made. The Braves will be rid of the most foul-mouthed, bigoted, racist, homophobic jerk in professional sports since Reggie White. Your team will be free of the shadow that he brings to the ballpark, as well as the burnt crosses he leaves in the parking lot. Your players and managers can go about dating Hooters waitresses and clubbing their wives over the head. You can make another race for the NL East and go to the playoffs where you can lose to the Yankees again. Your world will be returned to the way it was before Mr. Rocker spoke his mind in the pages of Sports Illustrated. In return, Lostbrain.com will have a new weekly column, "This is the group of people I really hate the most today," written by John Rocker, translated by Jeff Pearlman. Our site hits will probably double from the ten we get each day, and John Rocker can continue to mock and degrade races and ethnicities as he sees fit. Please, before you do anything rash like killing him, consider this trade. Don't trade Rocker to a San Diego Pizza Hut for three "Big New Yorker" pizzas. If you worried about backlash from the fans that you accepted too much in trading John Rocker, we would be glad to keep the Foreigner CDs. All Our Best, Brandon Stahl |