Rush to Judgment

Sunday, 10:25 a.m.

Rush: I think what we've had here is a little social concern in the NFL. The media has been very desirous that a black quarterback do well. There is a little hope invested in McNabb, and he got a lot of credit for the performance of this team that he didn't deserve. The defense carried this team.

Sunday, 10:26 a.m.

ESPN Studio crew: Nothing

Sunday, 10:34 a.m.

ESPN Studio Crew: Still Nothing

Sunday, 12:47 p.m.

Scoreboard: Philadelphia 10, Buffalo 0

Sunday, 3:04 p.m.

Scoreboard: Philadelphia 23, Buffalo 10

ESPN Studio Crew: Still nothing

Sunday, 6 p.m.

Nightly news shows: Nothing

Monday, 7 a.m.

Morning news shows: Nothing

Monday, 6 p.m.

All news and sports shows: Nothing

Tuesday, 6 p.m.

All news and sports shows: Still nothing

Wednesday, 12 p.m.

All news and sports shows: Nothing

Donovan McNabb: Um…

Wednesday, 12:01 p.m.

All news and sports shows: Donovan McNabb has just responded to the racist comments made by Rush Limbaugh made on ESPN's NFL Sunday Countdown. More as this develops.

Wednesday, 12:02 p.m.

Donovan McNabb: …Like I was saying, I'm really disappointed in what he said. I thought we were past the race thing now. But you know, whatever.

Wednesday, 12:03 p.m.

All news and sports shows: Donovan McNabb was nearly in tears as he derided the racist and sexist comments made by Rush Limbaugh on ESPN's NFL Sunday Countdown. Let's send this over to a screaming white man for commentary.

Screaming white man: I can't believe, that in this day and age we allow someone to get on the air and say such racist comments. I for one am shocked and appalled that ESPN hasn’t already fired Limbaugh for the comments.

Wednesday, 12:04 p.m.

ESPN: Can you just give us a second to catch our breath here? This is just happening way too fast.

Wednesday, 12:05 p.m.

News and sports shows: ESPN today said they are standing by Rush Limbaugh's comments that Donovan McNabb is only in the NFL because he's black and doesn't have corn rows.

Let's send this over to an angry mob for their reaction.

Angry mob: Blood! Blood! Blood!

Wednesday, 12:06 p.m.

ESPN: Wait, wait. We didn't say that!

Wednesday, 12:07 p.m.

Presidential Candidate Al Sharpton: Oh yeah, finally! Finally! Something for me to get mad at. Okay, okay. Let me calm down here. Breathe. Breathe. Okay, ready? Camera's rolling? Let's go: Rush Limbaugh should be cast off from this society and forced to live with Aborigines in the Australian Outback.

How was that?

Uh huh.

Aborgines are what?

NAACP President Kweisi Mfume: Ah Jesus, don't we have better things to worry about? Alright, what Rush said is awful and I am against it. Do I have to fucking put a stamp on this or we can just mail it out with our monthly newsletter?

Wednesday, 12:08 p.m.

Presidential Candidate Howard Dean: Let me be the first to say that what Rush Limbaugh said was horrible and outrageous. Also, let me be the first to condemn senseless death.

Sharpton: No shit? They are black people in Australia?

Wednesday, 12:09, p.m.

ESPN: Okay, we're ready to comment. ESPN has communicated to Mr. Limbaugh that his comments were insensitive and inappropriate. As our defense, we would like to present hip black ESPN anchor Stuart Scott.

Stuart Scott: Boo-Ya!

ESPN: We forgiven?

What's that?

Michael Irvin snorted what?

Wednesday, 12:10 p.m.

Rush: I don't know why anything I say is offensive to anyone, but clearly this is a time to stand strong and tall, and do it standing behind the first amendment, and just to be safe, the second amendment, with my 9mm semi-automatic handgun.

Wednesday, 12:11 p.m.

Presidential Candidate Joe Liberman: What, no one wants to ask how I feel about this? I am jewish. I've been affected by racism all my life! I will not be ignored!

No, wait, I'm sorry. Come back. Don't go. Please.

It's so lonely here.

Wednesday, 12:12 p.m.

All news and sports media: We are continuing minute 12 of our round-the-clock coverage of the Rush Limbaugh scandal. We have camped outside Donovan McNabb's home, waiting word to see if he has yet committed suicide over the crushing blow that was Limbaugh's comments. We have presidential candidate and general Wesley Clark here to help us answer some questions. General Clark, tell me, if you were the target of a viscous racial attack like this, how close to suicide does it bring you?
Clark: Let me tell you, very close. Especially with remarks as insensitive as these.
News: Uh huh. And tell me, if you were going to commit suicide from these remarks, how would you do it?
Clark: I'd probably want it to be quick and painless, so I'd likely put a gun to my mouth. But we can't rule out Donovan wanting to walk into a school cafeteria, and taking out 35 children before he turns the gun on himself.
News: Frightening world we live in.

Thursday, 7 a.m.

National Enquirer: We feel this is the perfect time to announce that Rush Limbaugh is a pill-popping drug lord.

Michael Irvin: Shit dawg, why didn't he tell me??

Rush: Effective immediately, I will no longer serve as a commentator on ESPN NFL Sunday Countdown.

All News and Sports Media: Duh.

Rush: Can I take a moment to point out the irony that I've been making far worse racist comments for the past 15 years, yet a benign, throwaway remark I made on a sophomoric football show is what finally ruined me?

All News and Sports Media: Sure… holy shit, you here that stuff about Schwarzenegger?

- Brandon Stahl