What's a day or a month in the life of the
diabolical super villain Bud Selig really like? When he
wasn't looking, we stole a copy of his August calendar to
find out.
 |
August
(the Summer of
Bud) |
|
| Sun |
Mon |
Tue |
Wed |
Thur |
Fri |
Sat |
 |
|
|
|
1
Predict baseball doom by end of month. Rub hands
together. Laugh maniacally. Grow mustache, proceed
to twirl it.
|
2
Get monthly comb-over. Warn reporters:
"I'm in danger of losing more follicles, but won't
tell which ones."
|
3
Trade Expos to Cuba for box of cigars.
Suckers.
|
4
Attend Brewers-Florida game in impenetrable
force field. Still pray game doesn't end in tie.
|
5
Ignore voices in head telling you
to kill Peter Parker.
|
6
Remove all ties from closet, replace
them with nooses.
|
7
Switch players' steroids with Folgers
Crystals.
|
8
Announce new team for contraction
candidacy: Bad News Bears
|
9
Give Bob Cratchit new lump of coal.
|
10
Relax at home: Remove eggs from car; tar from front
windows; bottles from head.
|
11
Prepare for tomorrow's big owners
meeting by contracting local orphanages.
|
12
Owners meeting. Proposed changes:
We keep 100% of revenues, break up their union,
install me as supreme chancellor, begin Clone War.
|
13
Much needed day off. Spend it lonely
and isolated.
|
14
Meet with Donald Fehr of players union,
To break ice and start off on friendly grounds,
ask for views on abortion.
|
15
To erase bad All Star Game memories,
boot Ty Cobb from Hall of Fame.
|
16
Inform Fehr that unless demands are
met the hostages will not be returned.
|
17
Apologize to Ted Williams' daughter
for offering to store her father in my freezer.
(There simply isn't room for two of us.)
|
18
Hire Andersen to show that MLB lost
$300 billion during July.
|
19
Inform press that teams can no longer
afford equipment, must use rocks and sticks.
|
20
Give Fehr drop-off location of briefcase
filled with money; contract Des Moines to prove
I'm not bluffing.
|
21
Reluctantly Inform press of worries
that several MLB teams can no longer afford Friday-nights-out
at their local Shoney's.
|
22
Look-alike contests:
2:00p.m:
George Will
3:00p.m:
Janet Reno
4:00p.m.:
Pete Puma
5:00p.m.:
Beaker from Muppet Show
|
23
Declare war on terror a tie.
|
24
Install "Countdown to Contraction"
Clock in Metrodome. Ignore their fans, place in
standings.
|
25
Embrace the dark side of the force,
pick up suit from cleaners.
|
26
Watch Everybody Loves Raymond. Imagine
self in title role. Cry.
|
27
Go on PTI, convince world I'm evil
genius, not Willy Loman.
|
28
Steal candy from batboys. Blame theft
on Fehr.
|
29
Consider becoming a Hockey Fan.
|
30
Pickup Briefcase full of money; have
plans foiled by superhero Fehr. Shake fist. Vow
September return for more criminal mischief.
|
31
On second thought, just contract September,
drink self into October.
|
