Kenyon Martin Decapitates Iverson, Suspended 2 Games

Philadelphia—New Jersey Net Kenyon Martin, who was recently called for flagrant fouls against Karl Malone and Tracy McGrady, lost his head again...and so did the now-deceased Allen Iverson. Last night, Martin pulled out a machete and sliced Iverson's noggin off as the 76er guard was driving the lane, forcing NBA Commissioner David Stern to hit Martin with a two-game suspension and an undisclosed fine. "We are very anti-decapitation in our league," said Stern. "I hope this will teach Kenyon for next time. I also warned him that if he pops a cap in anyone's ass, at least on the court, that he's suspended until the All-Star Game." Martin, who claimed he was only playing "hard-nosed basketball," told Iverson's twitching, headless body to "get up and stop being a pussy." Iverson's head replied by saying he now understood what "running around like a chicken with his head cut off" finally meant, asked if anyone had any extra weed, then died. Iverson is survived by his 29 unclaimed children, all living in various NBA cities.

-Eric Butterman